The Weather of Soul

Raining, raining, and raining. I find peace in rain and kinda enjoy it, regarding of my prayer in the last summer. I wished the summer would end ASAP, and i wished for the rain. Well i guess this is the answer of my prayer; I got cold, my laundry won't dry, and the house is getting more like a prison as the rain comes.

I remember those days when i was getting fed-up with sunlight, hot weather, and sweats. I started hating summer. The thirst, the anger, the heat. Those things made me nuts. I got very emotional in the summer and i felt like i wanted to scream the shit outta myself and go mad.

I always like having hot coffee, and it didn't feel right in the summer. I tried it a couple times and the result was always the same. I got hotter, covered in sweats, and ended-up listening to Slipknot's 'People = Shit' on repeat.

Summer always feels annoying to me. It's like getting burned alive while tied by sharp strings of anger. I got sensitive. Although i'm pretty good at controlling temper, but still, i'm the wrong guy to mess up with in the summer. Trust me, you'll regret it. I know damn well how to mentally hurt some douche.

One day, i woke up at 2:00 AM and it was raining. I knew it was the time to say goodbye to summer. I went out while my whole family was sleeping. I sat on the porch, trying to enjoy the moment i've been praying for. I let my face got gently splashed by the rain sparks. I let my whole body, mind, and soul got blown by the peaceful breeze. I almost fell asleep and decided to go back onto the bed.

Enjoying rainy season feels like celebrating the death of summer to me. It's like welcoming the troops that have just killed my enemy. Especially if you're an introvert. The rain knows how to treat you well.

I don't know whether being an introvert is a way to be my true self, or it's just a state of denial to avoid my disappointing social life. Disappointing lover. But what i know for sure is that i really enjoy being an introvert. And the rain cooperates very well.

Rain became one of my excuses to refuse going out. I like being a prisoner in my own house. I like being trapped with good books, psychological-thriller movies, and hot coffee. I love doing those while it's raining outside. Feels like heaven.

I pushed my limit until my head was full of plot twists from psychological-thriller movies, thought-provoking ideas from good books, and stimulating caffeine from cups of hot coffee. I reached my limit. My head hurted. I went out and sat on the porch, watching the lovely thing that has imprisoned me.

I focused up my senses on the rain. I watched it, listen to it, smelled it, tasted it, felt it. It was like having an intercourse with rain. I'd call it 'raingasm'. But sometimes, rain could be hurtful as well.

I see rain as drops of memories. Each drop contains a particular memory that makes me too sad to remember it. Maybe because i've got rain involved in a song that i wrote and dedicated for someone. A song that was supposed to be a love song, but it turned out being a song of shame.

I would never listen to that song anymore. It feels too painful to fill my head with my own voice of meaningless adoration. And in some rainy nights, i secretly wish and imagine that the song would be played on my wedding. Yeah, call me pathetic, call me whatever you will.

As the rainy season dies, my melancholic side of soul fades out. And as the summer resurrects, the fierce side takes control. And those sides of my soul are covered by masks of social conformity; joy and hospitality.

Holidays and A Twisted Mind

This is the worst, loneliest holidays i've ever had.

I've been waiting for these 45 days off and i've planned to spend it by reading books and watching movies while having cups of coffee. It's going as i planned, but it's not as great as i thought it would be.

It didn't start very well. On the first day off, a girl that has been away from my head for a while, came back. Not physically, though. But she's back. It's like she did a break-in into my mind and started living in there, once again. 

At the beginning, i kinda enjoyed it, regarding of how i truly miss her. But then, she started killing me again. It feels like your whole body is itchy, but you can't scratch it. Or you're hungry but you can't eat. Or you have an open wound but it won't heal. It definitely sucks. She's like a cancer, spreading all over my whole mind, thoughts, and heart. And it makes me sick.

I cannot concentrate on everything. I've lost my focus on every goddamn thing. And it ruins my plan. I cannot read books, i cannot watch movies, i cannot enjoy my coffee, i cannot do anything cause she's stolen my whole concentration and focus.

And when the night comes, i start being haunted by the memories we've had when we were together, and imagining things that i wish would happen. It cheers me up in some way, but it also makes me suffer in the other way. Last night, for instance. I was about to sleep and imagined having a dinner with her and our future kids in our house. It felt a bit far-fetched, and it felt kinda painful.

I fell asleep and woke up feeling very emotional this morning. It's a mixed-up feelings of sadness, happiness, loneliness, anger, and fear. And while i'm having a cup of coffee this morning, i was questioning my sanity. "Is this a symptom of insanity?" I asked myself. I sipped my coffee and continued. "Or am i just too deeply falling in love with her?"

I finished my coffee and took a shower. For a million times, i thought "I'm not insane. I just believe in a concept called 'true love waits'". Well, it's been three years, and i wish there won't be many years ahead.

So, mind and holidays, i need you both to cooperate.

A Ticking Time Bomb

These sharp pieces of broken glass;
The reflection of the dead moments of past,
tons of random fuzzy memories,
and excessive ashes of burning hope.

These sharp splinters; the carvings of self-made prophecies,
separated by a path which divided two kinds of sides;
the bright ones that i'm dying to realize,
and the dark ones that i'm dying to avoid.

All of these are trapped inside the labyrinth within my brain,
which is wrapped by tangled strings of fear and worries,
surrounded by sad souls of shattered dreams,
and haunted by merry ghosts of dancing nightmares.

Where's the gasoline? Where are the matches?
Where's the dynamite? Where are the explosives? 
Nobody can find them and i wonder why, 
then i realized that i don't need any of them.

Cause this mind, is actually just a ticking time bomb.

Dear Supreme Lover

My dear supreme lover,

I surrender.
This bloody ripped white flag is waving above my head,
Telling the world that my effort to forget you is officially failed,
Although i've run away for ridiculous amount of distance, but i've eventually always arrived on you. On and on, and on.

I let my heart guides me.
We've done painful things to our hearts.
You've broken mine, and i've broken yours.
But these hearts of ours are destined to be attached to each other, for eternity.
And my wounded heart guides me to its pair: yours.

I wait.
The concept of true love is hypothetical.
Either it's trully genuine, or trully overrated, i believe in its sub-concept: waiting.
Cause as Radiohead says: true love waits, and i will surely do.

I miss.
Good things come to those who wait, cause they won't miss anything. But i did.
For all those lost times i've missed, i trully regret.
And i tell myself a secret about how our hearts won't be separated by any kind of boundaries.
That secret is: i cannot stop missing you.
That's what keeps me suffering, and you're the one who makes me addicted to suffer.

My dear supreme lover, i'm home.

New Year, Worse Shit?

People get excited in January. It's the first month of the year. They use the momentum for a refresh. Being someone new, building something new, stopping something bad, and doing better things.

For how long can they keep it up? I bet it lasts until the end of February, max. But i think there are some things that are getting worse. One of 'em is today. Monday, January 4th 2016 is the first weekday in 2016, and it's also my first day going to college in 2016.

What i feel is something worse, instead. On the train station this morning, the locket wasn't open until 5:30 AM. So, we were late. Last year, it was open at 5:00 AM sharp. But in this 'everything new' year, people are getting lazier than last year. Why? Was it because they're feeling so hard to move on from holidays?

Well, this is a pathetic thing. People were talking bullshit on social media about how much better they're gonna be in 2016. But the fact is they're getting lazier. Such a shame.

That's why i got no spesific resolution for 2016, i'm just gonna let it flow. Better things don't depend on your new year's resolution. Better things depend on yourself. On your attitude. On your moral.

What i really keep in mind for this year is this: don't ever perceive shit about someone or something on social media. They may be angels on social media, but they might be devils in real life.

They may be public enemies on social media, but they might be social heroes in real life.