Holidays and A Twisted Mind

This is the worst, loneliest holidays i've ever had.

I've been waiting for these 45 days off and i've planned to spend it by reading books and watching movies while having cups of coffee. It's going as i planned, but it's not as great as i thought it would be.

It didn't start very well. On the first day off, a girl that has been away from my head for a while, came back. Not physically, though. But she's back. It's like she did a break-in into my mind and started living in there, once again. 

At the beginning, i kinda enjoyed it, regarding of how i truly miss her. But then, she started killing me again. It feels like your whole body is itchy, but you can't scratch it. Or you're hungry but you can't eat. Or you have an open wound but it won't heal. It definitely sucks. She's like a cancer, spreading all over my whole mind, thoughts, and heart. And it makes me sick.

I cannot concentrate on everything. I've lost my focus on every goddamn thing. And it ruins my plan. I cannot read books, i cannot watch movies, i cannot enjoy my coffee, i cannot do anything cause she's stolen my whole concentration and focus.

And when the night comes, i start being haunted by the memories we've had when we were together, and imagining things that i wish would happen. It cheers me up in some way, but it also makes me suffer in the other way. Last night, for instance. I was about to sleep and imagined having a dinner with her and our future kids in our house. It felt a bit far-fetched, and it felt kinda painful.

I fell asleep and woke up feeling very emotional this morning. It's a mixed-up feelings of sadness, happiness, loneliness, anger, and fear. And while i'm having a cup of coffee this morning, i was questioning my sanity. "Is this a symptom of insanity?" I asked myself. I sipped my coffee and continued. "Or am i just too deeply falling in love with her?"

I finished my coffee and took a shower. For a million times, i thought "I'm not insane. I just believe in a concept called 'true love waits'". Well, it's been three years, and i wish there won't be many years ahead.

So, mind and holidays, i need you both to cooperate.