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Toilet Surfers

In high school, i was a drummer in many bands (mostly extreme metal). Those metal bands i joined in, required me to play fast, blast beats, double pedal beats, and the other metal drumming stuff. I've spent years playing drum that way. Until i started going to college, i felt very tired and i decided to quit those bands. I wanted to start something new.

In late 2014, me and my college friends Fikra Putra and Abdul Afi had an idea to form a punk rock band, where i chose to play guitar and sing. We started as a trio and covered songs from Blink-182, Social Distortion, Alkaline Trio, Rancid, and Ramones. We did a couple rehearsal sessions after college, and Fikra came up with the name 'Toilet Surfers'.

In April 2015, i wrote a song called "Razorblade" for the band. Our rehearsal sessions were postponed a couple times due to our college stuff; assignments and exams. When we came back after doing those stuff, we decided to recruit another member to play bass, cause Fikra play guitar better than i do. So, he took the lead guitar parts, while i sing and play the rhythm guitar parts.

In late 2015, Dicky Lesmana joined the band as a bassist. So, we are a punk rock band called Toilet Surfers, consisting me (vocals/rhythm guitar), Fikra (lead guitar), Afi (drums), and Dicky (bass).

Although we've been a band for more than a year and have written 4 songs, but we're still a new band. So, if you're curious about us and our songs, check us out :

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How To Maintain Good Grades

My 3rd semester grades

Alhamdulillah. Thank God i've passed three semesters in college and so far, i've nailed it. Many of my friends asked me "How do you maintain your grades?"

Well, i work my ass off. Very very hard, constantly and consistently. And i pray. I'm not being such a smug or arrogant, but the only thing that makes you having bad grades is laziness. Stop calling yourself 'stupid'. Cause you're just being lazy. I don't call myself 'smart', but i'm definitely NOT a lazy person. That's my secret.

What if you're already a lazy person? Well, push your limit. Force yourself. Don't you ever pity yourself, cause i'm being cruel and ruthless to myself. And by that, gratefully, i've got pretty good grades.

So, if you wanna be able to maintain good grades, start doing these things :

1. Work your ass off very very hard, constantly and consistently.
This means you have to study as hard as you can, read books as many as you can to extend your sources, and start googling a lot. Thank God for Google.

2. Stop being lazy.
Do ALL your assignments and have full attendances. This really really matters to your grades. Stay healthy and happy to boost and keep your mood so you could attend all of your classes.

3. Don't pity yourself.
There's a time when you're losing the mood, feeling tired and bored. Well, push your limit. Force yourself. You won't die by going to college and doing assignments, right? And when you're not feeling so well, try to spark and encourage yourself. Treat yourself well by watching movies or eating good food after class or on weekends.

4. Behave. Don't do things that make your lecturers dislike you. No matter how smart you are, if you piss 'em off, trust me.. Your grades would be falling down. So, start making your lecturers feeling comfortable and by that, they would like you and give you good grades in return.

5. Pray.
I don't know if it works to certain people, but to me, it does. Praying makes me feeling calm, relax, worry less, and it really boosts my self-confidence. It makes me think that everything's gonna be just fine. Cause if you believe in God, i don't think your efforts would work perfectly if you don't pray. But life is all about choices, right?

Highway 19

Today, i've offically lived for about 6935 days. So, let's say 7000 days of being a human. Yes. It's my 19th birthday. And actually it doesn't really matter, not even to me.

As usual, i refuse to have cakes, sing happy birthday, throw a party, or any other bullshit. Honestly, i only need best wishes. I really do. Cause i think that's what matters most to me. Cakes, singings, and parties are nothing but a waste of time, energy, and money.

Birthday is just a benchmark that you've reached a certain number of age. Celebrating a birthday by being grateful is a must. But doing some useless shit? I don't think it's necessary.

To me, life is such a highway. We were born to pass it. Sometimes you drive at full speed, and enjoy the adrenaline. Sometimes you crash and burn. The strong ones will recover and continue, the weak ones will surrender and get a shortcut by hanging themselves, cutting wrists, self-poisoning, or any other shortcuts.

I've been in a thin line between being the strong one and the weak one. At least, i've considered to get a shortcut. But luckily, i soon realized that i was born to be the strong one. I was meant to pass the highway. I might have crashed and burned, but there's a bright light ahead and i believe i can reach it and enjoy passing the highway.

Birthdays are just number on the highway signs, so you can know your progress. And the mystery is, you won't know at which number your highway ends. Well, this year, i've reached number 19. And i wish there are many numbers ahead and i could enjoy passing the highway with always being happy and healthy. And i have a specific wish for this birthday. I wish i could finish what i've started. Aamiin.

Wish me the best ones :)

Birthday present? Alhamdulillah, i've earned this :

Pretty good self-earned birthday present, isn't it? ;)

Insomniac Thoughts

I've never had trouble to fall asleep. No matter how much coffee i drink in a day, i'm kinda able to control when i'm gonna 'knock' myself out into the state of unconsciousness. But not for the last two months. I think for the first time in my life, i've become insomniac. I remember watching my favorite movie Fight Club when The Narrator couldn't sleep for days and woke up in strange places. Well, luckily i haven't reached that phase, but still, it sucks.

I've reduced my daily coffee intake and it doesn't work. I feel extremely tired but all i can do is laying on the bed with so much thoughts. Yes, thoughts. Specific thoughts. And it feels like it's killing me. Like a cancer, spreading all over my mind and slowly paralyzing my ability to fall asleep. You might think i'm being pathetically redundant, but those thoughts are specifically about her. The main reason this blog exists since 2013.

After almost a year since we 'broke up' and i tried to move on (and failed) cause i felt that my efforts didn't work so well. Everything might happen for a reason, and maybe somehow i cannot move on from her for a reason which is still unknown. The insomnia started when i reached a mental condition which i think that i literally cannot live without her. I started thinking that i'd be better off dead than living without her. And it's probably been triggered by how much i truly miss her. I wouldn't be denial, so i tried to rebuild the relationship by making an anonymous Twitter account cause i don't want to be bothered by my friends. I wanna have this relationship personally with her without involving any of my friends. So i keep my identity classified, but i let her know that it's me by mentioning her things that are only known by us.

Day by day, week by week, my mentions doesn't seem affect her. I believe her Twitter account is being supervised by her 'institution'. But i really really miss her and there's nothing i can do. She is super exclusive and commercialized. And i cannot and will not get back into that 'world of delusion' anymore. I was a 'single fighter' and i'm no longer feeling comfortable with the situation; the fans and the staff, they're not friendly. You know what i'm talking about.

I've been up all night, thinking about her and wanna meet her so bad cause, like i've said a thousand times, i miss her so bad. So i'm considering a plan to visit her house. I began a little investigation, and by lots of online sources and Google Street View, i've found her address. Thank God for the internet. But i'm still confused. Should i really do it? Visit her house and give some gifts to her and the family. By that, i hope maybe i could talk to her and get to know each other personally and intensely without regarding the commercial aspects and the 'institution'.

I'm desperately frustrated. I wanna know each other as a boy and a girl in a 'real life' but it seems impossible for now. Maybe it's not the right time for both of us, but i wish someday we could meet as a man and a woman who would become lovers, and i believe soon the day will come.

Dear God, you might not let me be with her right now, but please, at least let me fall asleep peacefully tonight like i used to. Aamiin. 

A Homeless Broken Home Boy

Imagine, you're sleeping peacefully and suddenly your house is being destroyed by some strangers. The ceiling is falling down onto your sight, the roof is falling apart, and the wrecking balls are haunting you down in the middle of your crumbling house. It's too hard to dodge. You got no place to hide. Nothing to hold on to. Then you realized. Your parents cooperate with those strangers in demolishing the house that you're sleeping in. Well, it's a pretty fucked-up situation.

If i was asked to define 'being a broken home boy', that's my definition. And when you're grown up, you'd reach that moment. The moment when you're feeling totally homeless. You'd feel that you got no home and no family to come home to. I mean a real natural home, a real natural family. A home and a family without awkwardness, without unnatural process called adaptation with strangers AKA step-parents.

I lost the feeling of having home when i was 11 years old. Only about 6 months after my parents got divorced, those strangers officially became my step-mom and step-dad. It was a whole new stage of my life. I'd never thought i'd have step-parents. Especially an emotionally sensitive step-mom. I was supposed to be the one who's been taken care of by her. But it turned out i was the one who had to take care of her feelings.

My step-mom (the first one. Well, i've got the new one lately) was a childish, extremely emotional, insecure woman. She made my dad angry at me cause he thought that i wouldn't socialize and interact with her. What did she expect from me at that time? I was just an 11 year-old boy who's got mentally shocked by that unexpected situation.

She also got jealous on everything. She was jealous of my mom, which is pretty normal. And she was jealous of me everytime i was spending time with my dad. It was an abnormal jealousy, for sure. So, there was a time when i had to spend less time with my dad, for the sake of her feelings. And my mom? Well, i didn't live with her and she was busy taking care of my step-sister (whom i truly love very much).

No wonder, most of the broken homes end-up doing drugs or commiting suicide. The others and me, end-up feeling homeless. I'm grateful that i have a place to live, but it doesn't feel like home. It doesn't feel like a place where you can do everything without being (emotionally) bothered by strangers. So, i isolate myself and spend most of my time alone in my room. Luckily, i'm still alive, haven't lost my mind and haven't cutted my wrist or hanged myself to death. That's what should be concerned by parents.

My dad got divorced for the second time after being abandoned by my (second) step-mom for three years. It was a really hard time for him. At that time i started going to college and lived at my grandma's. He was living those three years alone, and i could only visited him twice a month because of the college and my band stuff. Fortunately, he got married for the third time with a kind-hearted woman who became my second step-mom. And i feel very happy for them cause they're expecting their first child. It means i'll have another step-sister/brother :)

My mom's second marriage was better than my dad's second marriage. Eventhough it went to a divorce as well. I had no problems with my step-dad and i was kinda sad to say goodbye to him. He was a good dad to my step-sister, and a good step-dad to me. The saddest part was knowing the fact that my step-sister has become a broken home just like i am. I really wish she would be okay all the time and never feel what i feel. I wish she won't be feeling homeless.

Right now my mom is on her way finding her new soulmate. Third soulmate. I told her to really consider my step-sister in deciding a new husband. I won't let my step-sister get mentally hurted by witnessing her parents having a new life with their new partners. I promise myself that i will take control if something bad happens to her.

It's such a pathetic thing when you realize that your parents got married three times and you witnessed it as their child. It makes me kinda feeling commitment-phobic. I'm not sure, but maybe, it's the reason why i remain single after the breakup with my ex a few years back then. Consciously, i'd say that i'm selective in dating, so i'd wait for the one that i've been waiting for. Unconsciously, i'd say that i'm being paranoid and traumatic after two times witnessing the death of my parents's marriage.

But the positive thing is, i learned a lot about marriage. And it made me promise myself that if i get married someday, i will defend my marriage from getting ruined and i will never let anything that makes my future children become broken homes, except God and death.