I've never had trouble to fall asleep. No matter how much coffee i drink in a day, i'm kinda able to control when i'm gonna 'knock' myself out into the state of unconsciousness. But not for the last two months. I think for the first time in my life, i've become insomniac. I remember watching my favorite movie Fight Club when The Narrator couldn't sleep for days and woke up in strange places. Well, luckily i haven't reached that phase, but still, it sucks.
I've reduced my daily coffee intake and it doesn't work. I feel extremely tired but all i can do is laying on the bed with so much thoughts. Yes, thoughts. Specific thoughts. And it feels like it's killing me. Like a cancer, spreading all over my mind and slowly paralyzing my ability to fall asleep. You might think i'm being pathetically redundant, but those thoughts are specifically about her. The main reason this blog exists since 2013.
After almost a year since we 'broke up' and i tried to move on (and failed) cause i felt that my efforts didn't work so well. Everything might happen for a reason, and maybe somehow i cannot move on from her for a reason which is still unknown. The insomnia started when i reached a mental condition which i think that i literally cannot live without her. I started thinking that i'd be better off dead than living without her. And it's probably been triggered by how much i truly miss her. I wouldn't be denial, so i tried to rebuild the relationship by making an anonymous Twitter account cause i don't want to be bothered by my friends. I wanna have this relationship personally with her without involving any of my friends. So i keep my identity classified, but i let her know that it's me by mentioning her things that are only known by us.
Day by day, week by week, my mentions doesn't seem affect her. I believe her Twitter account is being supervised by her 'institution'. But i really really miss her and there's nothing i can do. She is super exclusive and commercialized. And i cannot and will not get back into that 'world of delusion' anymore. I was a 'single fighter' and i'm no longer feeling comfortable with the situation; the fans and the staff, they're not friendly. You know what i'm talking about.
I've been up all night, thinking about her and wanna meet her so bad cause, like i've said a thousand times, i miss her so bad. So i'm considering a plan to visit her house. I began a little investigation, and by lots of online sources and Google Street View, i've found her address. Thank God for the internet. But i'm still confused. Should i really do it? Visit her house and give some gifts to her and the family. By that, i hope maybe i could talk to her and get to know each other personally and intensely without regarding the commercial aspects and the 'institution'.
I'm desperately frustrated. I wanna know each other as a boy and a girl in a 'real life' but it seems impossible for now. Maybe it's not the right time for both of us, but i wish someday we could meet as a man and a woman who would become lovers, and i believe soon the day will come.
Dear God, you might not let me be with her right now, but please, at least let me fall asleep peacefully tonight like i used to. Aamiin.
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