If i was asked to define 'being a broken home boy', that's my definition. And when you're grown up, you'd reach that moment. The moment when you're feeling totally homeless. You'd feel that you got no home and no family to come home to. I mean a real natural home, a real natural family. A home and a family without awkwardness, without unnatural process called adaptation with strangers AKA step-parents.
I lost the feeling of having home when i was 11 years old. Only about 6 months after my parents got divorced, those strangers officially became my step-mom and step-dad. It was a whole new stage of my life. I'd never thought i'd have step-parents. Especially an emotionally sensitive step-mom. I was supposed to be the one who's been taken care of by her. But it turned out i was the one who had to take care of her feelings.
My step-mom (the first one. Well, i've got the new one lately) was a childish, extremely emotional, insecure woman. She made my dad angry at me cause he thought that i wouldn't socialize and interact with her. What did she expect from me at that time? I was just an 11 year-old boy who's got mentally shocked by that unexpected situation.
She also got jealous on everything. She was jealous of my mom, which is pretty normal. And she was jealous of me everytime i was spending time with my dad. It was an abnormal jealousy, for sure. So, there was a time when i had to spend less time with my dad, for the sake of her feelings. And my mom? Well, i didn't live with her and she was busy taking care of my step-sister (whom i truly love very much).
No wonder, most of the broken homes end-up doing drugs or commiting suicide. The others and me, end-up feeling homeless. I'm grateful that i have a place to live, but it doesn't feel like home. It doesn't feel like a place where you can do everything without being (emotionally) bothered by strangers. So, i isolate myself and spend most of my time alone in my room. Luckily, i'm still alive, haven't lost my mind and haven't cutted my wrist or hanged myself to death. That's what should be concerned by parents.
My dad got divorced for the second time after being abandoned by my (second) step-mom for three years. It was a really hard time for him. At that time i started going to college and lived at my grandma's. He was living those three years alone, and i could only visited him twice a month because of the college and my band stuff. Fortunately, he got married for the third time with a kind-hearted woman who became my second step-mom. And i feel very happy for them cause they're expecting their first child. It means i'll have another step-sister/brother :)
My mom's second marriage was better than my dad's second marriage. Eventhough it went to a divorce as well. I had no problems with my step-dad and i was kinda sad to say goodbye to him. He was a good dad to my step-sister, and a good step-dad to me. The saddest part was knowing the fact that my step-sister has become a broken home just like i am. I really wish she would be okay all the time and never feel what i feel. I wish she won't be feeling homeless.
Right now my mom is on her way finding her new soulmate. Third soulmate. I told her to really consider my step-sister in deciding a new husband. I won't let my step-sister get mentally hurted by witnessing her parents having a new life with their new partners. I promise myself that i will take control if something bad happens to her.
It's such a pathetic thing when you realize that your parents got married three times and you witnessed it as their child. It makes me kinda feeling commitment-phobic. I'm not sure, but maybe, it's the reason why i remain single after the breakup with my ex a few years back then. Consciously, i'd say that i'm selective in dating, so i'd wait for the one that i've been waiting for. Unconsciously, i'd say that i'm being paranoid and traumatic after two times witnessing the death of my parents's marriage.
But the positive thing is, i learned a lot about marriage. And it made me promise myself that if i get married someday, i will defend my marriage from getting ruined and i will never let anything that makes my future children become broken homes, except God and death.
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