Mimpi Buruk Leibniz dan Hegel

Leibniz dan Hegel mungkin akan bunuh diri jika mereka dibangkitkan dari kubur untuk menyaksikan fenomena sosial secara global saat ini. Mungkin mereka akan menembak kepala mereka sendiri ketika melihat konten dari pengguna Instagram. Atau mungkin juga mereka akan terbuai oleh kenikmatan materi dan fisik lalu mengkhianati apa yang telah mereka teguhkan selama berabad-abad.

Idealisme. Sebuah filosofi yang mereka teguhkan. Sebuah filosofi yang mengagungkan keperkasaan mental dan spiritual sebagai aspek esensial dari kehidupan, dengan asumsi bahwa materi dan fisik bersifat fana dan sekunder. Penilaian idealistis terhadap suatu hal ditentukan melalui ide-ide yang dimiliki oleh hal tersebut, bukan berdasarkan rupa. Sesuatu yang kasat mata yang dimiliki oleh seseorang, apa yang terdapat di dalam kepala dan hati seseorang, merupakan hal-hal yang menjadi parameter apakah orang tersebut layak disebut sebagai seorang manusia, atau hanyalah sebuah makhluk biologis yang makan, minum, tidur, buang air, dan masturbasi.

Orang-orang idealis berusaha mencapai kondisi mental yang ideal dimana mereka berupaya memiliki keunggulan intelektual, stabilitas emosional, dan kepekaan sosial. Mereka memiliki bahan bakar intelektual berupa rasa ingin tahu yang tinggi terhadap hal-hal yang mencerminkan intelektualitas, bukan hal-hal menjijikan seperti kehidupan pribadi para selebriti atau tren fashion yang sedang marak. Secara emosional pun mereka stabil. Logika dan emosi bersinergi dengan baik sehingga tidak menghasilkan perilaku impulsif dengan memborong barang secara eksesif pada saat midnight sale. Secara sosial, mereka memiliki kepekaan yang tinggi dengan upaya-upaya merenungkan dan berkontribusi atas peningkatan kesejahteraan masyarakat di sekitarnya. Bukan justru bersosialisasi di sebuah cafe mewah dengan harga kopi yang tidak logis, memperbincangkan aib dan keburukan orang lain, foto-foto, dan upload ke Instagram dan Path demi mendapatkan predikat "sosialita".

Mereka tidak berusaha berperilaku dan berpenampilan seperti apa yang ditampilkan oleh media massa. Mereka tidak membuncitkan perut korporat secara tidak sadar, naïf, dan ignoran. Mereka berolahraga dengan tujuan kesehatan yang pada akhirnya berdampak positif secara mental, bukan berolahraga dengan tujuan agar mendapatkan perut six packs dan bentuk tubuh seperti selebriti yang disembah melalui layar kaca dan layar smartphone. Mereka tidak terobsesi dengan produk dari merk-merk seperti Starbucks, Apple, dan Louis Vuitton. Dan mereka tidak berorientasi dan dibutakan oleh gengsi, prestise, dan status sosial yang dikejar dengan cara melakukan konsumsi, konsumsi, dan konsumsi.

Namun saat ini, idealisme hanya menjadi sebuah artefak filosofis untuk dipelajari di bangku kuliah. Para idealis pun pada akhirnya dipandang sebagai kaum marginal yang aneh, norak, kuno, old-fashioned, dan lain sebagainya. Instagram adalah salah satu bukti bahwa idealisme telah menjadi usang. Dewa-dewi yang dikultuskan dalam Instagram adalah orang-orang yang melacurkan dirinya secara fisik dengan meng-upload foto-foto kemolekan tubuh dan keindahan rupa, serta orang-orang yang mengekspos materi dengan nilai esensial yang nihil. Konten tidak didasari oleh manfaat, kualitas dan bobot pesan visual yang terkandung, melainkan oleh seberapa jauh konten tersebut mampu menstimuli libido, seberapa mahal harga barang dan jasa yang digunakan, serta seberapa mewah tempat pengambilan foto.

Mungkin kini Leibniz dan Hegel sedang bersulang di dalam neraka, namun apabila mereka kembali hidup dan menyaksikan fenomena-fenomena menjijikan tersebut, mungkin hal itu akan menjadi mimpi terburuk mereka.

Pragmatisme, Tren, dan EDM

Dalam ilmu filsafat terdapat berbagai mazhab. Pragmatisme adalah salah satunya. Secara definitif, pragmatisme dapat diartikan sebagai sebuah ide yang menerima segala sesuatu asalkan hal tersebut bermanfaat secara praktis.

Para pragmatis ini menyingkirkan paramater-parameter logika, etika, maupun estetika. Selama suatu hal dapat dimanfaatkan, maka mereka akan mengusung hal tersebut walaupun kadangkala tidak logis, tidak etis, dan tidak estetis.

Sedangkan tren adalah suatu fenomena kultural yang digeluti oleh masyarakat secara masif dan simultan.

Saat ini, Indonesia dan dunia sedang dipenuhi oleh para pragmatis yang berkeliaran di berbagai medium; media sosial, media massa, masyarakat secara umum, industri, hingga politik. Jika diperhatikan mereka adalah orang yang dinamis. Mereka berubah-ubah dan selalu siap menerima perubahan. Walaupun perubahan tersebut bersifat regresif jika ditinjau dari perspektif estetika.

Contoh yang berada dalam lingkungan saya adalah orang-orang yang pragmatis terhadap tren. Mereka diperbudak oleh elit media global dan nasional yang memiliki pengaruh besar terhadap pembentukan suatu tren. Ketika suatu media memberikan publisitas terhadap tren EDM, maka mereka akan menelan mentah-mentah, tak perduli jika misalnya EDM tidak sesuai dengan standar estetika yang mereka miliki sebelumnya.

Di era dimana musik metal (yang bagi saya lebih estetis dari EDM dalam segi apapun) mendapat publisitas tinggi dari media mainstream, mereka melabeli diri sebagai seorang metalhead sejati. Namun ketika publisitas tersebut dioper kepada EDM, mereka akan mengubah label dirinya menjadi seorang 'anak dugem sejati'. Tak heran saat ini banyak sekali metalheads yang banting setir menjadi DJ. Sebuah perubahan yang progresif? Menurut saya tidak.

Selama tren tersebut dapat memberikan manfaat praktis berupa penerimaan sosial, keuntungan finansial, dan lain sebagainya, maka mereka akan meresapi tren itu hingga pada akhirnya akan digantinkan dengan tren lainnya. Fuckin posers.

Ini hanyalah satu dari sekian banyak contoh fenomena yang sedang terjadi pada masyarakat saat ini. Hal tersebut dapat dijadikan sebagai pembuktian terhadap teori jarum hipodermik yang berasumsi bahwa media massa sebagai suatu pihak yang memiliki kuasa terhadap khalayaknya. Teori ini menganalogikan bahwa khalayak yang bersifat pasif akan pasrah dan rela 'disuntik' oleh media massa yang bersifat perkasa. Dalam hal ini, kandungan yang dimuat oleh suntikan tersebut adalah tren EDM, dan para pragmatis tersebut adalah pihak yang dipecundangi oleh media massa. Relevan bukan?

Selera musik adalah suatu preferensi yang bersifat personal. Walaupun bagi saya EDM adalah musik yang banal dan tidak estetis, mungkin bagi orang lain sebaliknya. Namun pertanyaannya adalah, apakah EDM memerlukan kemampuan musikal yang tinggi? Pop adalah musik yang tidak terlalu membutuhkan kemampuan musikal yang tinggi. Namun setidaknya mereka mampu memainkan instrumen musik secara harfiah. Bukan instrumen digital yang hanya klik ini-itu dan menyebut dirinya seorang DJ.

Pada umumnya, lirik dalam EDM didominasi oleh nilai-nilai hedonisme, konsumerisme, dan materialisme. Mereka hanya bicara soal having fun, foya-foya, clubbing, bermewah-mewahan, seks, uang, uang, dan uang. Dan semua itu dikemas secara banal dan tidak puitis dengan pemilihan kata dan diksi yang sederhana.

Dari pernyataan tersebut, dapat disimpulkan bahwa EDM dapat menjadi suatu distraksi bagi masyarakat terhadap fenomena-fenomena sosial dan politik yang penting untuk diketahui dan dikritisi oleh masyarakat. Dengan kata lain, EDM dapat meningkatkan apatisme masyarakat.

Saya tidak sedang mencuci otak anda, saya hanya mengamati dan mengutarakan persepsi saya terhadap kondisi masyarakat saat ini, terutama masyarakat urban yang tanpa disadari setiap harinya dibombardir oleh propaganda media yang memberitahukan mereka untuk terus membeli dan menikmati tanpa perduli sedikit pun akan apa yang sebenernya sedang terjadi.

Namun apa daya? Pada akhirnya orang-orang seperti saya hanya akan mereka cap sebagai a sick fuckin weirdo; orang aneh, eksentrik, non-konformis, ketinggalan zaman dan tidak pernah perduli terhadap apa yang orang lain katakan.

Hijrah dari Jakarta?

Jakarta. Saya lahir dan besar di ibukota yang berdiri pada 1527 ini. Born and bred. Sebuah kota yang diagungkan oleh seperempat milyar jiwa penduduk Indonesia, sebuah kota dengan segala prospek-prospek impiannya. Dari mulut ke mulut, dari media ke masyarakat nasional, segalanya mencakup gambaran tentang mimpi-mimpi gemerlap yang dijanjikan oleh kota ini.

Ide tersebut diwariskan dari generasi ke generasi oleh masyarakat di luar Jakarta. Para orang tua dan guru menanamkan gagasan bahwa kesuksesan adalah dimana pada suatu hari anak-anak mereka akan merantau ke Jakarta, mendapatkan pekerjaan, syukur-syukur menjadi selebriti, menikmati dinamika kehidupan ibukota, dan menjadi masyarakat urban seutuhnya.

Selebriti menjadi subjek utama dalam setiap pemberitaan oleh media pada umumnya. Dengan modal keunggulan fisik yang artifisial, selera humor sampah, dan inteligensi yang nyaris nihil, selebriti menjadi idola, role model sekaligus tokoh masyarakat bagi ratusan juta penduduk Indonesia. Di tambah lagi dengan apa yang mereka lihat di TV, internet, radio, koran, majalah, dan berbagai media lain yang 'Jakarta sentris', dengan segala exposure yang berfokus pada topik-topik yang memuat nilai-nilai hedonisme, konsumerisme, dan materialisme.

Jakarta menjadi magnet sosial. Uang, seks, dan kenikmatan duniawi menjadi konsep dan tujuan utama yang tertanam dalam benak dan pikiran masyarakat. Semua orang ingin pergi ke Jakarta, tinggal di Jakarta, atau menetap di Jakarta hingga akhir hayat.  Dan pada akhirnya semua orang berjejal di ibukota, bersama dengan berbagai pusat perbelanjaan dan gedung-gedung perkantoran yang berjejal pula. Kecintaan dan loyalitas masyarakat Indonesia pada Jakarta ini sungguh luar biasa, hingga membuat pemerintah dan segelintir kalangan masyarakat kritis pusing memutar otak untuk menangani kota ini.

Namun dalam realitas, apakah Jakarta seindah itu? Bagaimana dengan kemacetan intens yang tidak pernah terhenti? Bagaimana dengan banjir yang tidak dapat dihindarkan? Bagaimana dengan segala macam polusi yang semakin memburuk? Bagaimana dengan 'polusi sosial'? Kriminal dan hipokrit yang berkeliaran di antara kita. Kriminal dan hipokrit yang menguasai dan mengendalikan kehidupan kita.

Bagi saya, Jakarta bukan lagi kota impian. Jakarta telah berubah menjadi sarana menuju kondisi mental dan fisik yang tidak sehat, dengan suatu norma sosial yang tidak tertulis yang mengajarkan kita bahwa definisi kesuksesan adalah dengan mengikuti pola kehidupan yang selalu sama: menjadi penduduk Jakarta, lulus kuliah dan menjadi budak kapitalis yang selalu bermacet-macetan, bekerja senin hingga jumat pukul 9 pagi hingga pukul 5 sore, mengunjungi mall di akhir pekan, menikah, berkeluarga, dan akhirnya mati bersama dengan passion dan mimpi-mimpi yang terbunuh oleh keperkasaan kapitalisme.

Apakah itu yang disebut dengan kesuksesan? Apakah itu yang disebut dengan kehidupan normal? Di mata saya, kehidupan seperti itu adalah sesuatu yang konyol. A big fuckin joke. Bagi saya hidup ini terlalu singkat jika dihabiskan hanya untuk berusaha menjadi orang yang diinginkan masyarakat. Terlebih jika masyarakat itu sendiri dibentuk dan dikendalikan oleh elit politik yang senantiasa haus akan uang dan kekuasaan.

Panggil saya seorang anarkis, panggil saya seorang non-konformis, eksentrik, aneh, atau apapun itu. Namun yang jelas saya akan lebih bahagia dengan menjadi seorang pemilik kedai kopi kecil di sebuah kota terpencil, daripada menjadi seorang eksekutif urban dengan kehidupan dan jiwa yang dikendalikan.

Toilet Surfers' Sick Weirdo Is Available on iTunes & Apple Music!

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Toilet Surfers' Sick Weirdo Will Be Unleashed on August 17th!

'Stranger Things' : Serial TV Paling Adiktif di 2016

Pada 6 November 1983 di Hawkins, Indiana, Will Byers (Noah Schnapp), seorang anak laki-laki berusia 12 tahun menghilang secara misterius di perjalanan pulang setelah bermain Dungeons & Dragons di rumah temannya. Kemunculan gadis misterius berkepala pelontos Eleven (Millie Bobby Brown) yang memiliki kekuatan super, petualangan mencari Will yang dilakukan teman-temannya, dan pemecahan misteri yang melibatkan proyek rahasia pemerintah oleh kepala kepolisian Hawkins, Jim Hopper (David Harbour) dan ibunda Will, Joyce Byers (Winona Ryder) membuat 'Stranger Things' menjadi serial TV wajib tonton di tahun 2016.

Kurang lebih seperti itu sinopsis singkat dari Stranger Things. Bermula dari sekitar sebulan lalu, berbagai pos mengenai serial TV rilisan Netflix itu bermunculan di 9GAG. Begitu pula di berbagai media online yang sudah memperbincangkannya sejak akhir 2015.

Pada 15 Juli 2016, seluruh 8 episode dari Stranger Things resmi dirilis secara global oleh Netflix. Internet citizens semakin gencar dalam membicarakan karya dari saudara kembar Matt dan Ross Duffer tersebut. Berbagai resensi bermunculan dan hampir seluruhnya bernada positif. It went viral!

Saya menjadi semakin aware terhadap Stranger Things. Namun ketika itu saya masih berkutat dengan Mr. Robot, sebuah serial TV rilisan USA Network yang saya gemari sejak tahun lalu. Hingga pada suatu malam di awal Agustus ini, seorang teman merekomendasikan dua judul serial TV melalui grup Line. Dua judul tersebut adalah Wayward Pines dan Stranger Things.

Saya browsing plot dari kedua serial tersebut untuk membandingkannya dan Wayward Pines menjadi pilihan pertama untuk saya tonton. Sungguh sama sekali tidak mengecewakan. Wayward Pines berhasil membuat saya overwhelmed dengan segala aspek mindfuck dari plot yang mengingatkan saya pada Twilight Zone.

Season pertama dari Wayward Pines saya habiskan dalam waktu dua malam dan ketika lanjut ke season 2, saya kehilangan minat. Entah mengapa bagi saya season 1 dari Wayward Pines jauh lebih menarik. Terlintas sebuah kesan bahwa para produser terlalu memaksakan untuk melanjutkan serial tersebut karena menurut saya akan lebih epic apabila Wayward Pines berhenti pada season 1.

And the madness began. Saya beralih pada Stranger Things, tepatnya pada malam hari di tanggal 3 Agustus 2016. Episode pilot "The Vanishing of Will Byers" saya putar tanpa ekspektasi bahwa serial ini akan membuat saya terjaga di depan laptop selama 8 jam kedepan. Jujur, pada saat itu pikiran saya masih terpaku pada mindfuck plot dari Wayward Pines dan thought-provoking lines dari Mr. Robot.

Adegan demi adegan, aksi demi aksi, perlahan-lahan segala hal yang disajikan dalam Stranger Things membuat saya bukan hanya melupakan Wayward Pines dan Mr. Robot, namun juga melupakan segala hal disekitar saya. Sangat adiktif! Saya sama sekali tidak mengecek jam, saya tidak sadar bahwa semua anggota keluarga telah tertidur lelap, saya benar-benar 'tersedot' ke Hawkins, Indiana.

"Gila. Ini bener-bener gila." Pikir saya yang sebelumnya belum pernah tergila-gila secara ekstrim dengan suatu karya seni audio-visual apapun. Serial ini benar-benar dikemas secara '1980-an' dari mulai setting, plot, hingga desain. Font-nya pun membuat kita nostalgia dengan judul-judul novel Stephen King yang terbit sepanjang dekade tersebut. Secara keseluruhan, ini seperti The Goonies bertemu E.T. dengan plot thrilling ala Stephen King. Referensi budaya pop 1970-1980an pun bermunculan. Dan yang membuat saya terharu adalah lagu "Should I Stay? Or Should I Go?" dari The Clash yang menjadi soundtrack utama yang tematik dari Stranger Things. Bagi saya dan jutaan penonton lain di luar sana yang belum dilahirkan pada dekade tersebut, Stranger Things menjadi 'museum' yang sempurna untuk dinikmati.

Daya tarik dari masing-masing karakter pun sangat luar biasa. Terutama Jim Hopper si kepala kepolisian Hawkins yang berani membongkar isi perut pemerintah terkait dengan proyek rahasia yang menyebabkan hilangnya Will, dan juga Eleven yang minim dialog namun justru mendapat exposure lebih berkat perpaduan antara kepolosan dan kekuatan supernya. Di satu sisi ia adalah seorang gadis lemah yang tertindas, namun di sisi lain ia adalah heroine yang berkali-kali menyelamatkan nyawa teman-temannya.

Bukan hanya unsur misteri dan detektif yang sangat menarik, namun juga berbagai drama yang dihasilkan dari dinamika kehidupan ketiga kalangan; dewasa (Jim Hopper, Joyce Byers, Lonnie), remaja (Jonathan Byers, Nancy Wheeler, Steve Harrington, Barbara Holland, dan kawan-kawan), dan anak-anak (Eleven, Mike Wheeler, Dustin Henderson, dan Sinclair) sungguh menarik untuk diresapi. Mereka berhasil menyentuh para penonton secara emosional, dari mulai puppy love antara Eleven dan Mike yang menjadi fan favorite, serangkaian komedi yang dilontarkan oleh Dustin, hingga cinta segitiga antara Steve, Nancy, dan Jonathan.

Season perdana ini pun berhasil ditutup dengan baik. Para penonton cukup dibuat puas dengan pemecahan masalah, namun secara sengaja sedikit dibuat kecewa untuk menstimuli rasa penasaran mereka terhadap season selanjutnya dengan meninggalkan berbagai pertanyaan.

Delapan jam bukanlah waktu yang sebentar untuk menyaksikan sebuah film/serial TV. Namun Stranger Things membuat delapan jam tersebut terasa sangat cepat berlalu. Pukul 8 malam hingga pukul 4 pagi saya habiskan tanpa jeda untuk produk brilian Netflix ini. Dan sama sekali tidak ada kata "bosan" yang terlintas dalam benak saya terkait dengan Stranger Things. Percayalah, ini adalah satu-satunya serial TV yang satu season penuh saya tonton hingga berulang-ulang. Totally worth it!

Namun seperti yang saya bicarakan di atas, kekecewaan tersebut seakan selalu menghantui saya. Sampai-sampai pada suatu malam saya bermimpi menonton season 2 dari Stranger Things dengan plot yang ngaco, sengaco-ngaconya. Saya yakin terdapat jutaan individu di luar sana yang tidak sabar dan berharap bahwa season 2 akan dirilis secepatnya. Saya pribadi merasa ingin hibernasi di dalam sebuah time capsule dan bangun tepat di tanggal perilisan season 2 dari Stranger Things.

Netflix and The Duffer Brothers, millions of people are counting on you!

Revolusi Mental dengan Laras Bedil

Sudah berapa kali anda menjumpai kalimat "manusia adalah makhluk sosial"? 

Di buku, di televisi, di sekolah, di rumah, ucapan guru, dosen, orang tua, hampir di semua lingkungan anda menjumpai kalimat tersebut. "Manusia tidak bisa hidup tanpa sesama, manusia butuh bersosialisasi, manusia tidak bisa hidup sendiri, bla.. bla.. bla.."

Saya setuju dengan itu. Sangat setuju. Bukan hanya secara fisik dimana manusia membutuhkan sesamanya untuk bekerjasama, baik dalam memenuhi kebutuhan biologis maupun kebutuhan material. Namun juga secara psikologis, manusia membutuhkan proses sosialisasi untuk memenuhi kebutuhan emosional, kebutuhan akan the warmth of human companion yang pada akhirnya dapat digunakan pula sebagai sarana pemenuhan kebutuhan biologis dan material.

Dari sekedar teman mengobrol, menjadi fuck buddy, atau dari sekedar teman mengobrol, menjadi rekan bisnis, misalnya. Dalam hal ini, kebutuhan biologis dan psikologis saling terkait dimana proses sosialisasi menjadi hal yang menjembatani kedua aspek tersebut. Dengan sosialisasi, satu aspek dapat mengacu pada aspek lainnya, begitu pula sebaliknya. Mungkin karena itulah proses sosialisasi menjadi suatu hal yang 'vital' dalam kehidupan manusia.

Namun segalanya memiliki konsekuensi. Resiko. Kita harus berhadapan dengan berbagai individu yang beragam, dengan latar belakang yang berbeda-beda, dan dengan karakteristik yang berbeda pula. Sesuatu yang menyenangkan? Anda pasti mengangguk. Who doesn't like social life? Who doesn't like to hang out? Namun pernahkah anda menyadari bahwa manusia-manusia disekeliling anda tidak se-menyenangkan yang anda bayangkan? Bahwa mereka adalah individu-individu yang (secara eksplisit maupun tidak) egoistis, iri hati dan hipokritis?

Saya tidak sedang mencuci otak anda. Saya pun bukan seorang anti sosial. Saya memiliki kemampuan sosial yang cukup baik, walaupun bukan tipikal orang yang senang bergaul. Saya hanya menyampaikan apa yang saya lihat, dengar, dan rasakan berdasarkan pengamatan dan pengalaman sosial saya di berbagai lingkungan. Dan berdasarkan pengamatan tersebut, menurut saya tiga kata sifat cukup mampu merepresentasikan karakteristik mental mereka; egoistis, iri hati, dan hipokritis.

Sama sekali tidak menggeneralisir, namun dua hal tersebut yang selalu dominan dari individu-individu di sekitar saya. Saudara, sepupu, teman, kolega, kerabat, rekan, siapapun itu, saya selalu menemukan tiga hal tersebut di dalam diri mereka. Baik secara langsung pada awal perkenalan, maupun secara perlahan-perlahan, tiga hal tersebut selalu saja muncul.

Sehingga di mata saya, mereka hanya menjadi makhluk biologis liar yang dikendalikan oleh hukum, nilai, dan norma sosial, dimana mereka selalu mencoba untuk menuhankan diri mereka dengan pola pikir bahwa kesempurnaan dan kebenaran absolut hanya berada di genggaman mereka. Mereka berkompetisi untuk itu. Mereka saling menjatuhkan dengan berkedok senyuman dan fun yang mereka tampilkan dalam proses sosialisasi.  

Bahkan beberapa di antara mereka gembar-gembor bahwa mereka adalah sosialis sejati. Mereka melawan kapitalisme dengan mengadaptasi konsep kapitalisme itu sendiri ke dalam kehidupan sosial; memperoleh keuntungan berupa jati diri dan kehormatan dengan bermodalkan mulut besar berbobot minim. Mereka hanya haus akan kehormatan, bukan ingin menciptakan perubahan.

Dan ketika seseorang berhasil memperoleh suatu hal yang baik di dalam hidupnya, mereka terbakar amarah. Mereka kesal, secara implisit tentunya. Mereka berusaha keras untuk menarik orang tersebut ke bawah menuju penderitaan, lalu menari di atasnya. Apakah saya su'udzon? Berprasangka buruk? Saya rasa tidak. Saya menyaksikan hal-hal tersebut di berbagai lingkungan; keluarga, pergaulan, sekolah, kampus, tempat kerja, dan lain sebagainya. 

Saya menyaksikan bagaimana mereka berkata "Gue lebih pinter dari lo semua!", "Lo salah! Gue yang bener!" dengan gestur tangan yang menunjuk-nunjuk. Saya menyaksikan bagaimana mereka menyampaikan argumen dengan panjang lebar lalu merendahkan argumen sesamanya. Saya menyaksikan bagaimana perubahan sikap mereka, bagaimana jiwa kerdil mereka berubah menjadi depresi ketika hal baik terjadi dalam hidup orang lain. Saya menyaksikan bagaimana mereka bercanda-tawa dengan seseorang ketika berjumpa lalu mencaci-maki orang tersebut dibelakangnya.

Ini baru di tahap dimana saya sebagai seorang mahasiswa, pekerja paruh waktu, dan seorang anak dalam keluarga. Belum lagi di tahap-tahap selanjutnya seperti di lingkungan profesional, lingkungan rumah tangga, lingkungan bisnis, dan di lingkungan-lingkungan sosial lainnya yang jauh lebih kompleks. Mungkin saya akan mengalami hal yang sama, atau bahkan lebih parah walaupun saya berharap akan suatu perubahan.

Yang saya khawatirkan adalah bagaimana jika di masa depan, nasib negeri ini jatuh ke tangan orang-orang seperti itu? Apakah Indonesia saat ini adalah hasil dari mental dan perilaku para pemimpinnya yang seperti itu? 

Kita membutuhkan suatu revolusi. Atau yang sempat populer beberapa tahun lalu, revolusi mental. Namun kenyataannya, kita belum merasakan adanya perubahan dari revolusi mental yang digembar-gemborkan tersebut. Kasus KKN, narkoba, kriminalitas semakin membabi-buta. Mental dan moral bangsa Indonesia semakin membusuk. Apakah revolusi mental sudah berhasil?

Saya rasa ada yang salah dengan konsep dan implementasi dari revolusi mental ini. Atau setidaknya kurang lengkap. Hukum tetap bersifat tumpul ke atas dan tajam ke bawah. HAM masih menjadi komoditi belas kasihan bagi individu-individu yang tidak layak hidup. 

Kita butuh revolusi. Revolusi mental dengan laras bedil.

Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat.

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Have you ever contemplated about how this life works? How aspects and elements of life cooperate with each other to create and run a system? What is the system of life? How does it work? If you've questioned those stuff, then i think this post might be interesting for you.

Well, i've been contemplating this idea lately. Especially when i'm in the bus or commuter line train. I observed those people in public transportations, streets, offices, malls. What actually do they do? What makes them do the same thing everyday; going to work on weekdays, going to clubs at night, going to malls on weekends? What aspects that bind them so they're willing to do those things? Who gets the most benefit from them doing those stuff?

After questioning those things to myself, i took my phone out of my pocket and accidentally played Slipknot's first ever demo called 'Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat.'. And in a flash of seconds, i thought that demo is correlated to my questions. I thought i can answer those questions using the title.

Slipknot's first ever release 'Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat.' (1996)

This might sound kinda 'animalistic', but face it; this life is such a forest, isn't it? I think nowadays religions and morality are just layers of social masks to hide and humanize our true, authentic behavior. Animalistic behaviour. Admit it, we are just billions of rational animals living in a gigantic modernized forest full of buildings and concretes. Natural law applied. Survival of the fittest applied as well. The most evil, the most hypocritical, the meanest ones survive.

We can breakdown that animalistic behaviour of us into 4 aspects, related to the demo's title; Mate, Feed, Kill, and Repeat.

Mate
Sex and social interactions. What do we see everyday? Sexism and hedonism. Teenagers, adults, even senior citizens, they watch porn all the time and go to clubs every night. Do social interactions with stupid chit-chats, get drunk, and end up having a one night stand sex. Is that what we called 'humanity'? And it occurs every night around the world, even in my 'religious' country Indonesia with its hypocritically-religious politicians, celebrities, hedonists, and the other social cancers.

Social media is one of the greatest inventions of all time. It creates a virtual, and a bit imaginary social stratification. Through social media, we compete to show off everything. The ones who frequently show off the most prestigious, expensive shit are the winners. In the name of the top position of imaginary social stratification, imaginary social status, imaginary pride and prestige, we enslave ourselves. Worshipping compliments, worshipping the state of being envied.We'd rather be haunted by debts than being incapable to show off, which is a very ignorant thing. We show off contrived intelligence. We try hard to look smart and critical by using complex academic words, liking and retweeting issues that we actually don't understand about. In other words, we wanna look smart and we want the others look stupid.     

We are victims of destructive, capitalistic ideas spreaded by all kinds of media; social media, movies, TV and radio shows, books, literatures, advertising. Trust me. This world and our lives are controlled by a few powerful, egocentric people who want us to die young and kill each other, who want us to be stupid, apathetic, consumtive animals. They want to depopulate earth. They want us dead. Go read about the New World Order and elite's depopulation agenda.

Feed
The European Association for The Study of Obesity shows that 65% of the world’s population live in countries where overweight and obesity kills more people than underweight. We feed ourselves to death. We are killed by our gluttony. The food industry's corporations are the ones who take control of the world's economy. And they're also the ones of those elites who control the world.

Through media and advertising, they persuade us to consume their products everyday. Junk food; their expensive, unhealthy, even deadly products. They merge their products and lifestyle. They plant an idea to our minds that the more we consume their products and show it off, the higher social status we get. McDonald's, Coca-Cola, chips, chocolate bars. We see those shit in movies. We see celebrities, supermodels, actors and actresses consuming those shit.

Have you ever intended to imitate celebrities? Do what actors and actresses do in the movies? Pretend to be one of those anorexic celebrities? Consider this life as a movie with a happy ending? Well, if so, you've been successfully brainwashed. You may not realize this, but after you've been 'bombarded' by their ideas, there's a part of your mind that tells you to feel like celebrities everytime you consume those shit. We are raised watching Hollywood shit. Everyone wants to be American. We end up hating our own country, our own culture, our own food.

Who gets the most benefit from all of those eating and consuming stuff? Well i guess you know the answer.

Kill
"Make love, not war!" originally came from an anti-war slogan in 1960s, mostly expressed by hippies. That phrase is still being used by people nowadays to establish world peace. But let me ask you a question. If there's no war, who would buy guns? A research by State Fish & Game Departments, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, IRS reveals global firearm sales statistics. It reveals that based on total average yearly production, globally, guns and ammunition manufacturing annual revenue is 11 billion U.S Dollar. Can you imagine that? Corporate capitalism makes us ignorant, eat shit, consume everything, and kill each other. So, no wonder why we can't stop wars.

The war itself is manufactured by those elites. They produce hate that leads to wars. They produce controversial issues; terrorism, racism, zionism, neo-communism, LGBT, etc. They create a thesis and an antithesis in the other hand. They generate bombings, demonstrations, conflicts, genocides, homicides, attacks, etc. They construct everything that requires guns, ammunitions, explosives, and deaths of millions, even billions of people

Meanwhile, we kill each other, metaphorically, in social media. We post contents, give responses and comments in order to drop each other's reputation, assassinate each other's character, try hard to be superior, try hard to look smart, try hard to make the others look stupid, and the other stupid attempts. Believe it or not, there's an invisible hand who tries to disintegrate us.

Repeat
In the name of money, fame, and fortune, we keep repeating those shit. They keep renewing issues. Al-Qaeda becomes ISIS. Bush becomes Trump. We're trapped, actually. We would be stigmatized as a weirdo if we don't hang out at clubs, bars, restaurants, if we don't have social media accounts, if we don't consume junk food, if we don't conform. To me, it's quite okay as long as we don't mess with their rights. Cause nowadays it's all about rights and freedom, right? To me, being a freak non-conformist means having a free soul.

Now let me repeat the question. If we constantly do those shit, who gets the most benefit from it?  

The Irony of Modern Urban Life

It's the third week of my 4th semester. And i'm already having 11 assignments to do. To me, it's not a burden cause basically i love doing academical stuff. But as a normal human being, i get stressed. Not because of the college stuff, but because of the surroundings; the environment, the distractions, and the city itself.

Gratefully, i've made a great networking with my social environment which is very helpful for my business. I have lots of potential friends from different classes and generations who have great connections as well. And they surely are fun. Except for some hypocrates who covertly try hard to stab me in the back. Zero fucks given, anyway.

Those friends keep me feeling comfortable inside the campus. But when i get out, i get stressed by experiencing these things everyday; Pollutions. Traffic jams. Chaotic public transportation system. Criminals. Hedonists. Malls. Trashes. Hypocritical political campaigns.

It's killing me to accept the fact that i'm going to a college located in a fucked up city full of concretes, with its socially apathetic hedonists, arrogant dumbass celebrities, criminals, dirty politicians, and any other kind of social cancer. And it takes lots of energy and time to transport from a place to another either with private or public transportations.

With those situational pressures plus internal pressures (problems at home, work, college, etc), no wonder that urban people have higher risks of insanity. They could become crazy. And it doesn't rule out the possibility of them becoming suicidal, junkies, or even sociopaths, or psychopaths.

As a person who goes to college and does business in Jakarta, i think we need some time to isolate ourselves in some distant, remote place. A quiet outdoor place full of trees and grass, without any buildings where you can take a peaceful moment. That's how you relieve stress.

Unfortunately, the government cooperates with corporations in building as many shopping malls as possible in Jakarta, as a way to relieve people's stress. It works. For the upper middle. What about poor people who can't afford shopping at malls? How do they relieve their stress? Does even the government consider the poor people's right to have leisure activities?

The huge number of malls make us very consumptive. Plus, the hedonism ideas which is penetrated into our minds through the media; movies, tv shows, books, advertising, all of those kinds of media teach us the way how to enjoy life, how to be happy. Who gets the most benefit? The corporations. Who gets money from the corporations? The government.

We are just victims. Stupid victims, actually. In the name of pride and prestige, we let them exploit us.

One of the best ways to fix this, is by demanding the government to build city parks. A natural place for all kinds of social, economical classes to do leisure activities in order to relieve our stress without involving the intervention of corporations. Just let us take a simple, peaceful moment without being consumptive, without being hedonistic.

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Terima Produksi Kaos, Jaket, Topi Satuan

Produksi kaos, jaket, topi satuan dengan custom design.

Kaos:
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Jaket (hoodie):
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Analisis Berita Kebijakan Kantong Plastik Berbayar

Tugas Komunikasi Sosial dan Pembangunan

Oleh :

M. Nur Islam R. Sungkar (2014 - 41 - 084)

Kelas : B

Dosen:

Ibu Dwi Ajeng Widarini S.Sos. M.Si

Per tanggal 21 Februari 2016, Kementerian Lingkungan Hidup dan Kehutanan menerapkan kebijakan kantong plastik berbayar dengan harga Rp. 200/plastik pada seluruh toko ritel modern di 22 kota besar se-Indonesia. Kebijakan ini merupakan suatu upaya untuk mengurangi kerusakan lingkungan akibat sampah plastik yang berlebihan, meskipun menurut Ketua Umum Kamar Dagang dan Industri Indonesia (KADIN) Eddy Ganefo, kebijakan ini merupakan suatu 'permainan' mafia konglomerat dengan tujuan komersial.

Dalam hal ini menurut saya, media massa sebagai suatu alat sosialisasi pemerintah, kurang optimal dalam memfokuskan masyarakat kepada kebijakan tersebut. Sosialisasi mengenai kebijakan ini melalui media massa, bertepatan dengan maraknya dua isu hangat di masyarakat yaitu isu penggusuran prostitusi di Kalijodo dan isu LGBT beserta penangkapan Saipul Jamil terkait pelecehan seksual.

Saya melihat bahwa media massa memandang sosialisasi kebijakan tersebut sebagai suatu isu yang memiliki nilai berita yang lemah dibandingkan dengan isu-isu seputar politik, sosial, dan selebriti. Hal ini mungkin disebabkan oleh kurangnya efektifitas dari kebijakan itu sendiri, karena saya rasa masyarakat lebih rela mengeluarkan Rp. 200 untuk sebuah plastik dibandingkan dengan membawa kantong sendiri dari rumah ataupun membawa belanjaan tanpa menggunakan plastik.   

Saya sendiri pertama kali mengetahui informasi ini yaitu dari seorang pramuniaga Alfamart pada tanggal 20 Februari 2016, satu hari sebelum penerapan kebijakan tersebut. Baru setelah beberapa hari, berita mengenai kebijakan itu mulai beredar di media online. Hal ini menggambarkan betapa tidak optimalnya media massa sebagai perpanjangan tangan pemerintah dalam mensosialisasikan kebijakan-kebijakannya. Bahkan beberapa media online seperti tribunnews.com dan suara.com lebih menonjolkan pendapat para selebriti seperti Andien dan Gracia Indri, daripada pendapat masyarakat. 

Menurut teori agenda setting, media massa memiliki kapabilitas dalam menentukan mana isu yang penting dan mana yang tidak penting. Dan menurut saya nilai berita menjadi paramater dalam hal ini, tanpa memperdulikan apakah isu tersebut bermanfaat atau tidak bagi masyarakat dan juga pemerintah. Sebagai contoh, pemberitaan pendapat para selebriti mengenai kebijakan tersebut. Memang betul adanya bahwa selebriti sebagai tokoh masyarakat dan penggiring opini (opinion leaders) menjadi salah satu elemen pendorong bagi sosialisasi kebijakan itu, sesuai dengan teori 2 step flow, dan juga menjadikan berita tersebut memiliki nilai berita yang tinggi. Namun hal itu justru cenderung menimbulkan dominasi kaum selebriti dalam isu yang seharusnya berorientasi pada masyarakat luas dan pemerintah. Dengan gencarnya media massa dalam mengekspos angle tersebut, maka apa yang terjadi dalam masyarakat dan juga feedback masyarakat menjadi kekurangan publisitas. 

Masyarakat menjadi tidak tahu tentang apa yang sebenarnya terjadi di sekitarnya, dan juga pemerintah pun menjadi kesulitan dalam menerima input dari masyarakat. Maka menurut saya, alangkah baiknya jika media massa memberitakan suatu isu secara komprehensif dan proporsional dengan tidak selalu mengkaitkan suatu isu dengan selebriti. Dengan demikian, saya harap pemerintah akan lebih sukses dalam menyuarakan pembangunan dan masyarakat pun akan dapat menikmati hasilnya dengan maksimal.

Jual Kaos Weezer

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Toilet Surfers

In high school, i was a drummer in many bands (mostly extreme metal). Those metal bands i joined in, required me to play fast, blast beats, double pedal beats, and the other metal drumming stuff. I've spent years playing drum that way. Until i started going to college, i felt very tired and i decided to quit those bands. I wanted to start something new.

In late 2014, me and my college friends Fikra Putra and Abdul Afi had an idea to form a punk rock band, where i chose to play guitar and sing. We started as a trio and covered songs from Blink-182, Social Distortion, Alkaline Trio, Rancid, and Ramones. We did a couple rehearsal sessions after college, and Fikra came up with the name 'Toilet Surfers'.

In April 2015, i wrote a song called "Razorblade" for the band. Our rehearsal sessions were postponed a couple times due to our college stuff; assignments and exams. When we came back after doing those stuff, we decided to recruit another member to play bass, cause Fikra play guitar better than i do. So, he took the lead guitar parts, while i sing and play the rhythm guitar parts.

In late 2015, Dicky Lesmana joined the band as a bassist. So, we are a punk rock band called Toilet Surfers, consisting me (vocals/rhythm guitar), Fikra (lead guitar), Afi (drums), and Dicky (bass).

Although we've been a band for more than a year and have written 4 songs, but we're still a new band. So, if you're curious about us and our songs, check us out :

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How To Maintain Good Grades

My 3rd semester grades

Alhamdulillah. Thank God i've passed three semesters in college and so far, i've nailed it. Many of my friends asked me "How do you maintain your grades?"

Well, i work my ass off. Very very hard, constantly and consistently. And i pray. I'm not being such a smug or arrogant, but the only thing that makes you having bad grades is laziness. Stop calling yourself 'stupid'. Cause you're just being lazy. I don't call myself 'smart', but i'm definitely NOT a lazy person. That's my secret.

What if you're already a lazy person? Well, push your limit. Force yourself. Don't you ever pity yourself, cause i'm being cruel and ruthless to myself. And by that, gratefully, i've got pretty good grades.

So, if you wanna be able to maintain good grades, start doing these things :

1. Work your ass off very very hard, constantly and consistently.
This means you have to study as hard as you can, read books as many as you can to extend your sources, and start googling a lot. Thank God for Google.

2. Stop being lazy.
Do ALL your assignments and have full attendances. This really really matters to your grades. Stay healthy and happy to boost and keep your mood so you could attend all of your classes.

3. Don't pity yourself.
There's a time when you're losing the mood, feeling tired and bored. Well, push your limit. Force yourself. You won't die by going to college and doing assignments, right? And when you're not feeling so well, try to spark and encourage yourself. Treat yourself well by watching movies or eating good food after class or on weekends.

4. Behave. Don't do things that make your lecturers dislike you. No matter how smart you are, if you piss 'em off, trust me.. Your grades would be falling down. So, start making your lecturers feeling comfortable and by that, they would like you and give you good grades in return.

5. Pray.
I don't know if it works to certain people, but to me, it does. Praying makes me feeling calm, relax, worry less, and it really boosts my self-confidence. It makes me think that everything's gonna be just fine. Cause if you believe in God, i don't think your efforts would work perfectly if you don't pray. But life is all about choices, right?

Highway 19

Today, i've offically lived for about 6935 days. So, let's say 7000 days of being a human. Yes. It's my 19th birthday. And actually it doesn't really matter, not even to me.

As usual, i refuse to have cakes, sing happy birthday, throw a party, or any other bullshit. Honestly, i only need best wishes. I really do. Cause i think that's what matters most to me. Cakes, singings, and parties are nothing but a waste of time, energy, and money.

Birthday is just a benchmark that you've reached a certain number of age. Celebrating a birthday by being grateful is a must. But doing some useless shit? I don't think it's necessary.

To me, life is such a highway. We were born to pass it. Sometimes you drive at full speed, and enjoy the adrenaline. Sometimes you crash and burn. The strong ones will recover and continue, the weak ones will surrender and get a shortcut by hanging themselves, cutting wrists, self-poisoning, or any other shortcuts.

I've been in a thin line between being the strong one and the weak one. At least, i've considered to get a shortcut. But luckily, i soon realized that i was born to be the strong one. I was meant to pass the highway. I might have crashed and burned, but there's a bright light ahead and i believe i can reach it and enjoy passing the highway.

Birthdays are just number on the highway signs, so you can know your progress. And the mystery is, you won't know at which number your highway ends. Well, this year, i've reached number 19. And i wish there are many numbers ahead and i could enjoy passing the highway with always being happy and healthy. And i have a specific wish for this birthday. I wish i could finish what i've started. Aamiin.

Wish me the best ones :)

Birthday present? Alhamdulillah, i've earned this :

Pretty good self-earned birthday present, isn't it? ;)

Insomniac Thoughts

I've never had trouble to fall asleep. No matter how much coffee i drink in a day, i'm kinda able to control when i'm gonna 'knock' myself out into the state of unconsciousness. But not for the last two months. I think for the first time in my life, i've become insomniac. I remember watching my favorite movie Fight Club when The Narrator couldn't sleep for days and woke up in strange places. Well, luckily i haven't reached that phase, but still, it sucks.

I've reduced my daily coffee intake and it doesn't work. I feel extremely tired but all i can do is laying on the bed with so much thoughts. Yes, thoughts. Specific thoughts. And it feels like it's killing me. Like a cancer, spreading all over my mind and slowly paralyzing my ability to fall asleep. You might think i'm being pathetically redundant, but those thoughts are specifically about her. The main reason this blog exists since 2013.

After almost a year since we 'broke up' and i tried to move on (and failed) cause i felt that my efforts didn't work so well. Everything might happen for a reason, and maybe somehow i cannot move on from her for a reason which is still unknown. The insomnia started when i reached a mental condition which i think that i literally cannot live without her. I started thinking that i'd be better off dead than living without her. And it's probably been triggered by how much i truly miss her. I wouldn't be denial, so i tried to rebuild the relationship by making an anonymous Twitter account cause i don't want to be bothered by my friends. I wanna have this relationship personally with her without involving any of my friends. So i keep my identity classified, but i let her know that it's me by mentioning her things that are only known by us.

Day by day, week by week, my mentions doesn't seem affect her. I believe her Twitter account is being supervised by her 'institution'. But i really really miss her and there's nothing i can do. She is super exclusive and commercialized. And i cannot and will not get back into that 'world of delusion' anymore. I was a 'single fighter' and i'm no longer feeling comfortable with the situation; the fans and the staff, they're not friendly. You know what i'm talking about.

I've been up all night, thinking about her and wanna meet her so bad cause, like i've said a thousand times, i miss her so bad. So i'm considering a plan to visit her house. I began a little investigation, and by lots of online sources and Google Street View, i've found her address. Thank God for the internet. But i'm still confused. Should i really do it? Visit her house and give some gifts to her and the family. By that, i hope maybe i could talk to her and get to know each other personally and intensely without regarding the commercial aspects and the 'institution'.

I'm desperately frustrated. I wanna know each other as a boy and a girl in a 'real life' but it seems impossible for now. Maybe it's not the right time for both of us, but i wish someday we could meet as a man and a woman who would become lovers, and i believe soon the day will come.

Dear God, you might not let me be with her right now, but please, at least let me fall asleep peacefully tonight like i used to. Aamiin. 

A Homeless Broken Home Boy

Imagine, you're sleeping peacefully and suddenly your house is being destroyed by some strangers. The ceiling is falling down onto your sight, the roof is falling apart, and the wrecking balls are haunting you down in the middle of your crumbling house. It's too hard to dodge. You got no place to hide. Nothing to hold on to. Then you realized. Your parents cooperate with those strangers in demolishing the house that you're sleeping in. Well, it's a pretty fucked-up situation.

If i was asked to define 'being a broken home boy', that's my definition. And when you're grown up, you'd reach that moment. The moment when you're feeling totally homeless. You'd feel that you got no home and no family to come home to. I mean a real natural home, a real natural family. A home and a family without awkwardness, without unnatural process called adaptation with strangers AKA step-parents.

I lost the feeling of having home when i was 11 years old. Only about 6 months after my parents got divorced, those strangers officially became my step-mom and step-dad. It was a whole new stage of my life. I'd never thought i'd have step-parents. Especially an emotionally sensitive step-mom. I was supposed to be the one who's been taken care of by her. But it turned out i was the one who had to take care of her feelings.

My step-mom (the first one. Well, i've got the new one lately) was a childish, extremely emotional, insecure woman. She made my dad angry at me cause he thought that i wouldn't socialize and interact with her. What did she expect from me at that time? I was just an 11 year-old boy who's got mentally shocked by that unexpected situation.

She also got jealous on everything. She was jealous of my mom, which is pretty normal. And she was jealous of me everytime i was spending time with my dad. It was an abnormal jealousy, for sure. So, there was a time when i had to spend less time with my dad, for the sake of her feelings. And my mom? Well, i didn't live with her and she was busy taking care of my step-sister (whom i truly love very much).

No wonder, most of the broken homes end-up doing drugs or commiting suicide. The others and me, end-up feeling homeless. I'm grateful that i have a place to live, but it doesn't feel like home. It doesn't feel like a place where you can do everything without being (emotionally) bothered by strangers. So, i isolate myself and spend most of my time alone in my room. Luckily, i'm still alive, haven't lost my mind and haven't cutted my wrist or hanged myself to death. That's what should be concerned by parents.

My dad got divorced for the second time after being abandoned by my (second) step-mom for three years. It was a really hard time for him. At that time i started going to college and lived at my grandma's. He was living those three years alone, and i could only visited him twice a month because of the college and my band stuff. Fortunately, he got married for the third time with a kind-hearted woman who became my second step-mom. And i feel very happy for them cause they're expecting their first child. It means i'll have another step-sister/brother :)

My mom's second marriage was better than my dad's second marriage. Eventhough it went to a divorce as well. I had no problems with my step-dad and i was kinda sad to say goodbye to him. He was a good dad to my step-sister, and a good step-dad to me. The saddest part was knowing the fact that my step-sister has become a broken home just like i am. I really wish she would be okay all the time and never feel what i feel. I wish she won't be feeling homeless.

Right now my mom is on her way finding her new soulmate. Third soulmate. I told her to really consider my step-sister in deciding a new husband. I won't let my step-sister get mentally hurted by witnessing her parents having a new life with their new partners. I promise myself that i will take control if something bad happens to her.

It's such a pathetic thing when you realize that your parents got married three times and you witnessed it as their child. It makes me kinda feeling commitment-phobic. I'm not sure, but maybe, it's the reason why i remain single after the breakup with my ex a few years back then. Consciously, i'd say that i'm selective in dating, so i'd wait for the one that i've been waiting for. Unconsciously, i'd say that i'm being paranoid and traumatic after two times witnessing the death of my parents's marriage.

But the positive thing is, i learned a lot about marriage. And it made me promise myself that if i get married someday, i will defend my marriage from getting ruined and i will never let anything that makes my future children become broken homes, except God and death.

The Weather of Soul

Raining, raining, and raining. I find peace in rain and kinda enjoy it, regarding of my prayer in the last summer. I wished the summer would end ASAP, and i wished for the rain. Well i guess this is the answer of my prayer; I got cold, my laundry won't dry, and the house is getting more like a prison as the rain comes.

I remember those days when i was getting fed-up with sunlight, hot weather, and sweats. I started hating summer. The thirst, the anger, the heat. Those things made me nuts. I got very emotional in the summer and i felt like i wanted to scream the shit outta myself and go mad.

I always like having hot coffee, and it didn't feel right in the summer. I tried it a couple times and the result was always the same. I got hotter, covered in sweats, and ended-up listening to Slipknot's 'People = Shit' on repeat.

Summer always feels annoying to me. It's like getting burned alive while tied by sharp strings of anger. I got sensitive. Although i'm pretty good at controlling temper, but still, i'm the wrong guy to mess up with in the summer. Trust me, you'll regret it. I know damn well how to mentally hurt some douche.

One day, i woke up at 2:00 AM and it was raining. I knew it was the time to say goodbye to summer. I went out while my whole family was sleeping. I sat on the porch, trying to enjoy the moment i've been praying for. I let my face got gently splashed by the rain sparks. I let my whole body, mind, and soul got blown by the peaceful breeze. I almost fell asleep and decided to go back onto the bed.

Enjoying rainy season feels like celebrating the death of summer to me. It's like welcoming the troops that have just killed my enemy. Especially if you're an introvert. The rain knows how to treat you well.

I don't know whether being an introvert is a way to be my true self, or it's just a state of denial to avoid my disappointing social life. Disappointing lover. But what i know for sure is that i really enjoy being an introvert. And the rain cooperates very well.

Rain became one of my excuses to refuse going out. I like being a prisoner in my own house. I like being trapped with good books, psychological-thriller movies, and hot coffee. I love doing those while it's raining outside. Feels like heaven.

I pushed my limit until my head was full of plot twists from psychological-thriller movies, thought-provoking ideas from good books, and stimulating caffeine from cups of hot coffee. I reached my limit. My head hurted. I went out and sat on the porch, watching the lovely thing that has imprisoned me.

I focused up my senses on the rain. I watched it, listen to it, smelled it, tasted it, felt it. It was like having an intercourse with rain. I'd call it 'raingasm'. But sometimes, rain could be hurtful as well.

I see rain as drops of memories. Each drop contains a particular memory that makes me too sad to remember it. Maybe because i've got rain involved in a song that i wrote and dedicated for someone. A song that was supposed to be a love song, but it turned out being a song of shame.

I would never listen to that song anymore. It feels too painful to fill my head with my own voice of meaningless adoration. And in some rainy nights, i secretly wish and imagine that the song would be played on my wedding. Yeah, call me pathetic, call me whatever you will.

As the rainy season dies, my melancholic side of soul fades out. And as the summer resurrects, the fierce side takes control. And those sides of my soul are covered by masks of social conformity; joy and hospitality.

Holidays and A Twisted Mind

This is the worst, loneliest holidays i've ever had.

I've been waiting for these 45 days off and i've planned to spend it by reading books and watching movies while having cups of coffee. It's going as i planned, but it's not as great as i thought it would be.

It didn't start very well. On the first day off, a girl that has been away from my head for a while, came back. Not physically, though. But she's back. It's like she did a break-in into my mind and started living in there, once again. 

At the beginning, i kinda enjoyed it, regarding of how i truly miss her. But then, she started killing me again. It feels like your whole body is itchy, but you can't scratch it. Or you're hungry but you can't eat. Or you have an open wound but it won't heal. It definitely sucks. She's like a cancer, spreading all over my whole mind, thoughts, and heart. And it makes me sick.

I cannot concentrate on everything. I've lost my focus on every goddamn thing. And it ruins my plan. I cannot read books, i cannot watch movies, i cannot enjoy my coffee, i cannot do anything cause she's stolen my whole concentration and focus.

And when the night comes, i start being haunted by the memories we've had when we were together, and imagining things that i wish would happen. It cheers me up in some way, but it also makes me suffer in the other way. Last night, for instance. I was about to sleep and imagined having a dinner with her and our future kids in our house. It felt a bit far-fetched, and it felt kinda painful.

I fell asleep and woke up feeling very emotional this morning. It's a mixed-up feelings of sadness, happiness, loneliness, anger, and fear. And while i'm having a cup of coffee this morning, i was questioning my sanity. "Is this a symptom of insanity?" I asked myself. I sipped my coffee and continued. "Or am i just too deeply falling in love with her?"

I finished my coffee and took a shower. For a million times, i thought "I'm not insane. I just believe in a concept called 'true love waits'". Well, it's been three years, and i wish there won't be many years ahead.

So, mind and holidays, i need you both to cooperate.