Anthem For The Non-Conformists

Slipknot's "People = Shit" might be the anthem for those who are fed-up with social life. And i think social life makes people get 'imprisoned' by certain social standards and values.

Weezer is one of my many favorite bands. And they have a song called "Pork and Beans" which is about the resistance of being 'imprisoned' by those standards and values. Rivers Cuomo wrote the lyrics and i bet he refuses to be a 'social prisoner'. As in the chorus :

"Im'ma do the things that i wanna do

I ain't got a thing to prove to you

I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans

Excuse my manners if i make a scene

I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like

I'm fine and dandy with the me inside

One look in the mirror and i'm tickled pink

I don't give a hoot about what you think."

The social prisoners are those who couldn't live independently. They struggle to be liked and loved by the society. Well, it's the social law. To get a perfect social life, you gotta be a conformist; a person who does everything in order to get accepted, liked, and loved by the society.

It's great to be well-accepted, liked, and loved by the society. But don't you feel sick about the conformists? They crave for social acceptance. They obey the trend. They think, act, behave, and do nothing but the trending stuff.

They're controlled by trend which is constructed by the corporates. Then, another social law occurs; the trendier you are, the easier you'll get accepted by the society. We gotta admit that the society these days isn't just material-oriented, but trend-oriented as well. We judge people by their material wealth, and we judge people by their sense of trend. Don't we?

It's so pathetic when you witness a person who struggles to do everything that based-on-trend; wear trending clothes, listen to trending songs , watch trending movies, eat trending food, talk with trending slangs and terms (whether they really enjoy it or not) in order to be accepted, liked, and loved by the society.

It's very funny when a person went to Java Jazz to build classy impression. And a few months later, the person went to Bon Jovi concert to build masculin impression. Then, the same person went to Djakarta Warehouse Project to build 'i'm so cool and i listen to EDM' impression.

They do what's been trending to impress to society. They spend lots of money, time, and energy to do stuff that they might not really like. And by that, they'll get social acceptance.

The corporates construct the trend. The trend controls the society. The society kills the idealism of the people. The people become conformists. And the conformists are nothing but corporate dolls.

That's why i've been trying so hard NOT to be a conformist. Cause i know it sucks. You can't be yourself. You can't decide your own options. It's like your whole ways of life is determined by the corporates, trend, and the society.

This is your own life. You owe nothing to the corporates, you owe nothing to trend, you owe nothing to the society. Your life is in your hands. Your life is yours.

So, let's sing along to

Weezer's "Pork and Beans"; the anthem for the non-conformists.

'Best Friend' Is A Singular Phrase

I've written that i'm a kinda loner and i don't hang out much. But fortunately, i ain't a freak loner who doesn't socialize at all. I admit that i do have pretty good social skills. I've made plenty of friends, but i just don't hang out with them.

Everybody has a best friend. Everybody wants a best friend. Some total anti-socials might not have a human best friend. But i think they have another kind of best friend, like a pet, a musical instrument, a video game console, or even a lethal weapon for psycho kind of anti-social.

Either some friends have attempted to be my best friend, or i've attempted to be their best friend. It never worked out, unless when i was in high school. I met a friend, let's just call him Buck. He was my bandmate and we have the same interests. We're quiet similar; the way we behave, the way we think, the way we judge. It was four years since the first time we met, and we've been best friends eversince.

I met lots of friends from different environments, different hoods. And i haven't found better friend than Buck. I become friends with anyone, anywhere, anytime, and i have some close friends. But i won't consider them as best friends. Cause i know they tend to be jealous ass, backstabbing, opportunist kind of friends.

I have no idea whether it's a gift or a curse, but i have pretty strong sense of detecting liars, betrayers, fakers, hypocrites, opportunists, or whatever it is. I could feel the symptoms when one of my friends start being an asshole.

I had a quite good friend in my high school years back then. He was pretty close to me and he's such a pride-worshipper. And he's typically a jealous ass. He seemed pretty kind to me, but i couldn't resist my sense. And my sense was right. Some friends betrayed him and told me that he talked shits about me when i wasn't around. What a fucking faker. And he's not the only faker i've known.

The most recent is, i've had a kind of 'tail' friend. Let's just call him Nick; a friend who follows me where ever i go. My sense told me that he's such an opportunist jealous ass. He's been using me as his 'social ride' to carry him from one society to another. And yes, he has bad social skills.

And the dissapointing thing is, Nick doesn't know how to appreciate for what i've been doing for him. He looks jealous of me, it's pretty natural. But his jealousy makes him being uncool to me lately, which makes me quiet uncomfortable. He doesn't do it explicitly, but i can feel it.

The way he responds to my joke, the way he looks at me, talks to me, his gesture, those things indicate that Nick's becoming a jealous opportunist jerk.

How could i judge that he's jealous of me? Well, everybody sees us together. Cause as i said before that he's such an opportunist 'tail' that follows me anytime. And i bet, our friends (who thought that we're best friends cause we always seem together) must have compared us. I'm not being an arrogant snob, but people would know who's better between us.

It's quiet natural when a person gets mad when being compared to his/her close friend. Plus, i have another feeling that Nick's having a crush on a girl, which is my friend too, and he thought that i'm hitting on her. So he really considers me as his rival. But he has no guts to show it, so he's being uncool to me, implicitly. Such a weak chicken.

The whole thing got me think that Slipknot's "People = Shit" is goddamn true. No matter how kind they are, how close they are to you, how cool they look, they just equal shit. There is only one great shit, which is your true best friend.

It's proven. My dad has only one best friend. He's been friends since they're in elementary school until now when they're almost 50. They've been best friends for more than four decades. I've been friends with Buck for four years and i hope will be 'til we die.

So, you could have more than one best friend, but there will be only one true best friend.

And to Nick. I know what you think about me, what you really are, what you're up to, i know much more than you think. I owe you nothing and you owe me respect.

Fuck you, jealous-backstabbing-opportunist nerd.

Me, MTV, and Alternative Era

I was six or seven years old and i had an uncle who was young and very cool. He was in the high school at the time; a decade older than me. He introduced me to skateboarding, taught me how to do an ollie, told me that MTV was the coolest TV station ever, bought me Jackass DVDs, and so many other cool things. He definitely made me a loyal MTV viewer. MTV brought me Green Day and Avril Lavigne. I love those musicians. Until i watched a music video of "The Rock Show" by the world's pop-punk pioneer named Blink-182. And i instantly fell in love with that band until today.

I grew up listening to alternative music. I started listening to Blink-182, Green Day, and Avril Lavigne in the elementary school. I became a Slipknot's maggot when i was in junior high school. In senior high school i started listening to extreme metal bands like Dying Fetus, Behemoth, Napalm Death, Suicide Silence, Terror, Madball, Hatebreed, Cro-Mags, you name it! Many different type of extreme genres as well; death metal, black metal, grindcore, hardcore-punk, deathcore, metalcore, and the other alternative kinds of music. At my high school's last year, i added Weezer and Alkaline Trio into my favorite bands's list.

I've been idolizing singing-guitarists that were brought by MTV such as Tom DeLonge of Blink-182, Rivers Cuomo of Weezer, Matt Skiba of Alkaline Trio, and Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day, while most of my friends idolized football players. Actually, my taste of music is very simple; bands or solo artists with distorted guitar. That's it. And that music taste of mine was constructed by MTV.

All my favorite bands i've mentioned above and all musicians i idolize, were brought to me by MTV. I grew up at the in between era; the end of the 90s and the beginning of the 2000s. And one of my favorite things to do when i was in the elementary school was watching MTV right after school, maybe because i hung out with my uncle too much. That TV station made me a huge fan of many cool bands, cool video game (Tony Hawk's Pro Skater), and cool TV shows (Jackass, Beavis & Butthead, Celebrity Death Match, etc). MTV did make me a huge fan of alternative culture. It made me me think a lot of alternative ideas, all the time. I became a person who is not easily get affected to mainstream stuff, because of MTV.

I might be the last MTV generation of alternative era. MTV stopped bringing cool things until the mid of 2000s. At the beginning of the 2010s, i stopped watching MTV. It started bringing pathetically disgusting shits. Techno-pop singers, EDM, boybands, DJs, corporate sluts, mawkishly mushy faggots, they all suck. To be honest, i've been dissapointed with MTV since it gave global popularity to 'artificial' artists such as Justin Bieber, One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer, and many other faggots. MTV changed the global music taste into a garbage full of MIDI drumbeats, non-distortion guitars, artificially digital instruments, digitally-tuned vocals, minimal musical skill, and a bunch of materialistic faggots.

Materialism ≠ Happiness

I'm just a regular college student. I'm unpopular. And based on people's 'happines index' these days, which is measured materially, i'm not a happy person.

Economically speaking, i'm from a middle class family. I ain't rich, but i ain't poor either. Gratefully, my parents have enough money to buy me decent food and pay my educational cost, but not enough to buy me things like high-end PC, sophisticated video game console, or irrationally-expensive smartphone, while my friends do.

The pathetic thing is, when my friends start talking about one of those 'exclusive' things (the most common one is high-end video games), i can't understand it cause i don't have that such thing. And it's a kinda shame. Not because of the economical limit of my parents, but i feel marginalized. I'd surely be quiet everytime that topic comes outta their mouths.

The question is, am i unhappy with all of that 'economically limited' condition? Well, according to material-oriented people, they might say that i'm an unhappy person who doesn't have enough money to buy things that bring happiness.

Fortunately, i've learned much lessons of life which, indirectly, told me that there are so many things that are much more important than money and material stuff. And those lessons made me a non-materialist person.

Things that make me happy are located inside. It's what inside my heart, what inside my head. Most of those materialists might judge me that i'm in a denial of what i'm incapable of. But i'm not.

I do have things that are much more precious than money and material stuff. And i do believe that those things could make me tons of money someday. As i mentioned above, those things are inside me; my attitude, my ability, my creativity.

I'm not being such a snob right here, but it's all i've got. Those things inside me are the 'finger' that pull my trigger to achieve 3.78 GPA, level 8 TOEIC course, ability to write this post in english, and gratefully many other 'inner beauties'.

So, let me ask this simple question : who will be more needed by the world, by people, by societies, by huge companies? The one who has 3.78 GPA or the one who has PlayStation 4? I think you know the answer.

Once again, i'm not being a smug, arrogant, vain, or whatever you'd call me. I'm just getting things straight. I'm trying to tell people who are materially and economically limited, to never be hopeless, frustrated, or desperate. And i'm trying to tell the world that money, economical condition, and the other material stuff are not the indicator to measure someone's happiness.

So, to the people of earth, please stop making your fellow beings to think that they won't be happy if they're not rich. Stop spreading materialism ideas.

First things first. Believe me, if you enrich your brain and heart, automatically, you'll be happy, rich, and money will come to you.

When The Whole Universe Betrays You

If i had to answer the "who's your favorite author?" question, i'd say Dan Brown is the one. I've read all of his books multiple times. But in this case, i think i'd gotta say Paulo Coelho, altough i've only read "The Alchemist" and "The Winner Stands Alone" once.

Coelho has written so many books, but i think the best one is "The Alchemist" which has its most popular thought-provoking quote "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

The book talks about destiny, the way things happen for some reason. And the quote above does make people optimistic, which is actually very good.

I'm such a pessimist, and when i read "The Alchemist" for the first time, and got thought-provoked by the quote, somehow, it gave me power. So, i used to rely on that quote.

Theoritically, the quote is quiet right. If you're destined to achieve something you want, it feels like the whole world does some kind of teamwork to realize it. Everything feels so easy, no obstacles.

Practically, it isn't always work that way. The universe does conspire to help you achieving what you want, but it doesn't always occur in every condition.

I applied that 'theoritical' quote in real life, in order to realize my biggest desire. It made me very optimistic, and it made me less realistic as well.

I've sacrificed everything i had to achieve that desire because i was kinda over-optimistic. But i didn't consider the fact that i might fail, the fact that i wasn't destined to realize that desire.

The quote inspired and motivated me. But it failed to prove its validity. So, after all i've done, after all i've been through, i failed to realize my biggest desire. And it kinda drove me crazy.

The failure made me recall the quote. The universe conspires to help you achieving what you want. Who controls the universe? According to my religion, God does. I thought that if the universe doensn't conspire in helping me to achieve the big desire, then God doesn't exist. And that's the time when i considered to turn into an atheist, for the first time.

On my way in achieving the big desire, i totally dedicated myself to God. I prayed a lot. But when i lost the hope, i was dissapointed. Started with questioning the existance of God, being mad to God, and thinking that there's no such thing as God.

I spent a lot of my time googling about God's existance from another perspective; the atheism perspective. I found a research that shows the 'happiest' countries in the world based on happiness index are non-religious countries, which are dominated by atheists.

I might say that atheists don't blame anything when they fail. They are way sincerer to accept failures. So, they live with less pressure and regret. Therefore, they live happier than the religious ones.

But the atheism ideas didn't fully succeed to take over my thought. Eventough i was very interested in atheism, but i haven't officially declared that i turn into an atheist.

I found a better idea. I found an idea that God does exist. The only one who decide your destiny is God. If God wills you to achieve what you want, God will make the whole universe conspires to help you. But if God won't let you to achieve something (yet), God will make the whole universe conspires to make you fail.

The non-atheism idea is way more relevant, according to my experience. I did fail to realize my biggest desire, but it doesn't mean that God is not there. God is there. God just doesn't will me to achieve the desire. Or at least, not yet.

And everytime God doesn't will you to achieve something, the whole universe betrays you. And that's the time when you'd better throw your hope away and start a new one.

Is Solitude A Reason to Die?

I've been listening to Blink-182's debut album 'Cheshire Cat' these days. The album was released in 1995, and it has my favorite punk rock song ever called 'Carousel'. One of the many reasons i love Blink-182 is that they have tons of musically and lyrically thought-provoking songs. 'Carousel' is one of 'em. It's about growing up, like most of  the songs in their early days.

Written by Tom DeLonge, 'Carousel' has a very interesting line; "I know not a reason why solitude's a reason to die." and it did provoke my thought. At the first time i listened to that line, i instantly asked myself "Is solitude a reason to die?"

It feels like facing a mirror, everytime i listen to the song, i see myself; a human being who is considered as an introvert. I don't go out much, i don't hang out, i kinda hate crowds, i spend time with my family and a few closest friends.

My friends see me as a loner, i love doing things like reading books and watching movies, so i spend most of my time at home. I cannot find any interesting thing in hanging out. To be honest, i hate to hang out with friends at some boring places like bar, pub, beerhouse, restaurant, or whatever it is.

I like to eat and have a cup of coffee in some cozy restaurant or coffee shop, alone or with my family or closest friends (the few best ones). But if that 'outdoor activity' gets interfered by some random friends, i'll definitely lose my interest and want to go home immediately.

Strange things happen. I love being a loner, but sometimes i feel sad and pathetic about my loneliness. I realize that i'm a human being and human beings are social creatures. I took the photo above when i was having a cup of coffee, alone. At that time, i was feeling like i need someone to share, to talk, to spend time with, i need someone to love.

I felt like i lost my family when i officialy became a broken home boy. My parents got divorced and it makes me want to start a new happy family. It makes me a true family man. It makes me think that it would be very great to be married, to have a partner to grow old with, to have children to play with, it's like building our own ship to conquer the world and spend the rest of ourlives together inside it.

I agreed with the people who think that true love is such a bullshit, especially when my ex cheated on me. But needing a true love is not a bullshit. I'm feeling that desire, i'm craving for a true love, a soulmate, another loner. I need the right one for eternity. I need a true lonermate.

So, i think could answer the question. Solitude is not a reason to die. Not for me. All i need is another loner.

Too Old For Shit? Or Growing Up Too Soon?

I've formed a punk rock band called 'Toilet Surfers' with my collegemates. So far, we've covered Social Distortion and Blink-182 (we're planning to cover some Alkaline Trio and Matt Skiba & The Sekrets songs too, btw).

We rehearsed last night and the studio's located far away from my house. So, i slept over at my friend's house.

His room was very 'punk rock'. Band posters all over the wall, Les Paul, stickers, stencils, and all the cool things were in his room.

I used to be a lover of those cool 'messed up' things. Until last year, i removed all my posters off my wall, disposed all the messy things, and cleaned up my room until it's neat. And i still don't know why i did that.

At that time, i suddenly felt very uncomfortable with those things. I used to think that those are cool. But then i changed for indescribable reason and started to think that those messed up things are not cool anymore.

I was playing his Les Paul while enjoying the room's atmosphere; Posters, stickers, and stencils of Social Distortion, Misfits, Rancid, and the other punk rock bands. I was quite amazed and enjoyed the atmosphere, but it's only for a while. It lasted only about 10 mins, and then i started to feeling uncomfortable.

"I can't live with those things anymore." I thought. My friend is a year older than me. But he still got his 'youth' passion. I had no idea. Maybe it's because of my old mental age. One time, I took an online mental age quiz and my result was 45. It sucks and to be honest it's quite embarassing.

I'd never thought "I'm too old for this shit." But since last year, i kinda started to think that. I'm only 18 and i'm asking this question to myself over and over again; "Am i too old for shit? Or am i growing up too soon?"

Drink Well, Kids! (And Disobey The Seniors)

This morning i've got an email from Metal Hammer Magazine about a breaking news from Slipknot. It said "Slipknot Bassist Rushed To Hospital During The Show". I was shocked as hell cause my first thought was "Slipknot's bassist dies again?! What kind of devil has gotten into this band?!"

Then, i read the whole news and i got relieved. Alex Venturella the current Slipknot's bassist didn't die. He just blacked out while performing on stage with Slipknot in Hartford, Connecticut and had to walk off the stage, then rushed to the hospital. He was suffering from 'Severe Dehydration'. Too bad the show went on without Alex. But the good news was the show still went on.

I had that kind of 'shitty' experience on my college orientation week. The seniors were very very cruel because they limited the water supply for us while we were forced to do some abhorrent physical activites. They yelled at us, mocked us, and successfully made me really want to literally KILL them so bad. Yes, i still have it in my boiling blood that runs through my veins; the obsession of KILLING those seniors. Or at least kick 'em in the nuts.

They got me dehydrated, i barely blacked out, and at the time they forced me to keep running on and on, my asthma flared up. I was rushed to the medic and allowed to go home earlier. My friend was even worse. Her asthma flared up and she wasn't rushed to the medic, but straight to the hospital. We had the similar experience, at the same time. It's kinda funny, but that's how we met.

I'm a sophomore now. But i know it really sucks to be a freshman. And so does dehydration. So drink well, kids. And DO NOT ever obey the seniors, cause your asthma might flare up. If they mess around with you, kick 'em right in the nuts until they puke their guts.

Fuck the seniors, fuck dehydration!

Holiday Makes Me Stupid

I got barely perfect grade in the first semester. I thought i would get straight A's, but that little motherfucker called "Basic Logic" really kicked me right in the ass. I got C for that goddamn subject. I wondered why and i realized that i didn't do the assignment. It became one of my biggest regrets.

Although my university is well-known as the full-of-sluts university, but it gives the opportunity for its students to fix their broken grades by attending a short semester.

Short semester lasts for 2 weeks during the final semester break. Yeah, it does ruin your holiday but it heals your academic wounds as well. I wanna resurrect my fallen grade, so i gotta sacrifice my holiday.

After 2 months of holiday and haven't written conventionally, i attended the first day of the short semester. And guess what? I barely couldn't write. I wrote like a toddler. And when my lecturer explained the subject, it's hard as hell to get what she was explaining.

I wondered what the fuck was wrong with me and suddenly i remembered that 2 goddamn months of getting wasted. And yes, holiday does make me stupid.

Little Pieces of History

I felt easily exhausted lately. I was so sick of the low blood pressure. I've taken and eaten the shit that the doctor prescribed and suggested, and still, i was kinda feeling dying.

"Mens sana in corpore sano." Juvenal said, which means 'a healthy mind in a healthy body.' I guess we all know that phrase. The poet views that if you're mentally healthy, then you're physically healthy.

I got too tired to think, so i crashed myself onto the bed. It's so hard to sleep, i wanted to, but i couldn't. People around suggested me to forget coffee for a while, although they know i wouldn't give a fuck. I was feeling like drowning between the pillows, like getting mud sucked in a comfort way.

As i closed my eyes, i was starting to feel the presence of the sparkling shits that i've been through. They're warm and surrounding me, flying in and out of my body holes. They're so welcome.

Those certain times, those particular moments, those little pieces of history. My eyes were closed, but the vision was very unblurred and bright. The feel, sound, smell, and taste were clear as well. I asked myself, "Did i took too many antidepressants?" Cause that experience was psychedelically trippy for sure.

Those old days when my eyes were still sunny as sunday sunshine, everything seemed so colorful. The weather was warmly great, every single second felt so blissful, it's like eternal summer. Every breath i took smelled like violet, and everytime i breathed out, it's like breezing rainbow. Every single food i ate tasted like lollipop. It's like i was high all the time without doing any drugs.

And then she came to me, breathing so close to my neck, introducing herself as the true love. She upgraded those old wonderful days of mine to the highest level. From 'excitingly wonderful'  to 'opiately wonderful'. She's like a hypodermic needle, flying in high speed from an unpredictable direction, pierced me right in the major vein, injecting a huge amount of addictive artificial devotion.

All of that cheerful happiness has guided me to lunacy, forced me to completely lose my sanity. My friends noticed something very wrong with me and started judging me. They saw me as a hysterically falling-in-love idiot who was standing right behind the borderline of 'sane' and 'insane'. They might tried to help me out of that maze of affection, but i saw them as a bunch of jealous-ass douchebags who wanted to pull me down into the valley of loneliness.

She brought me the thrilling destructive sweetness, led me to the critical addiction. Her sweetness really made my days, cheered me up, hurted my teeth, got me diabetes, and finally broke my heart. She gently showed me the hurtful reality, revealed the painful truth, and left me agonizing scars all over my heart and soul as her farewell gift, without saying goodbye. The way she arrived and the way she left were contradictory. She built me up when she arrived in my heart, and tragically broke me down when she left my heart rotten. And i was totally lost, eversince.

Those sparkling shits instantly transformed into gloomy shits and suddenly woke me up. I was sweating so bad, breathing heavily, and my broken heart was beating hard and pounding fast. I looked out the window, watched the dark skies, and hope to see UFO, then get abducted by aliens and never coming back. It might be a silly idea, so i wanted to make it simple. I just wanted to sleep forever.

I really didn't know what to do, i felt totally lost. I barely couldn't concentrate on anything. I always lost my focus when reading or watching. So, i turned on my iPod, chose 'Dude Ranch' album by blink-182, and played 'Dammit'. I turned up the volume and a minute later, Hoppus sang the line "Well, i guess this is growing up."

Well.. I guess this is growing up.

What's My (Mental) Age Again?

Age doesn't define maturity. There are so many people out there who don't and won't act their age. They are aged enough to be classified as 'old' but still hanging out and getting wasted as well. They refuse maturity and are in denial of growing old.

One of the greatest bands ever, which is also one of my favorite bands; Blink-182, has portrayed that phenomenon in a cool way in "What's My Age Again?" from Enema of The State album. Mark Hoppus wrote the lyrics, describing how immature he was; doing such stupid things like watching tv while getting a blowjob, doing prank phone calls, etc.

So, we can say that the thing that really defines someone's is the mental age, not the physical age. There's some 50 year-old guy out who behaves like a teen and there's also a teenager who behaves like a 50 year-old.

Last year, some of my friends said to me "You're so lame." because they thought i talk overratedly wise and mature, and oftenly think about things that i don't supposed to think about yet. I was pretty pissed off with the idea and i tried an online mental age test. The result was quite shocking. My mental age is 30, and i was physically 17 year-old. The result has made me more pissed off, so i tried to don't give a fuck about it and started to rejuvenate the way i think and talk.

A few days ago, i met an old friend, we talked a lot and he said kiddingly that i don't change at all, still lame. I was quite shocked and it means that all the rejuvenate attempts i've been doing, was failed. Then once again, i did that online mental age test and the result was really mind-blowing. This year, when i'm physically 18 year-old, my mental age is 45. FORTY FUCKING FIVE. At this time, i really don't know how to deal with this mental oldness. Should i worry? Or should i just don't give a fuck? What if next year my mental age is 75 or even 90?

What the fuck is wrong with me? Am i an old man who is trapped in a young man's body? Whatever.. I'd better don't give a fuck, anyway.

I Wanna Be Ant-Man

I've just watched Ant-Man about 5 mins ago when i wrote this and yes.. the whole 'shrink and grow' thing has successfully provoked my thought. You'd better watch the movie before reading this following bullshit.

How does it feel to have a suit that is able to resize your body instantly? I bet it would be totally great. You can do LOTS of fun things with that suit. I wonder what things i'm gonna do if i had that awesome suit.

The first thing i'm gonna do is eating a lot and when i'm getting fat, i'm just gonna shrink myself to get in shape. Pretty clever, isn't it? and when somebody pisses me off, i'll shrink myself into the size of bacteria, sneak into his/her urethra, and grow myself back to normal size and he/she will gonna be in a worst pain for sure. What a douche.

I'm gonna grow myself like a gigantic monster, start a business called 'Nuris Sungkar Instant-Transports', and make lots of money by lifting people's cars from traffic jam, then transport them instantly to their destinations. I want to grow myself into the highest level and start ruling the world as well.

And when i miss the girl that i secretly admire, i'll put on the suit, shrink myself into the size of an ant, then visit her house at night and watch her sleeping all night long. Shit, i don't even know her house.

Then, when i get bored and fed-up, i'll shrink myself between the molecules, enter the subatomic state, and start losing track of time and reality, just keep shrinking forever with no way to get out. Poof. And i'll be gone forever in the end.

Such a dramatic bullshit.

But seriously, someday when i become rich, i should reconsider my will to build a death star to live in and start paying some mad scientist to invent Ant-Man's suit. And when it comes true, i strongly recommend the people that might piss me off to embrace their urethras. It's gonna hurt. A lot.

Ketika si Nuris Ikutan Stand Up Comedy

Stand up comedy? Definisinya adalah ngelawak sambil berdiri. Ya. Maksudnya adalah kita berdiri sendirian di sebuah panggung, dan melawak sambil ditonton orang-orang.

Saya sendiri baru tau stand up comedy pada akhir 2011 dari seorang teman. Sebelumnya, yang saya tahu stand up comedy itu ada di adegan film-film Hollywood, biasanya latar tempatnya di café. Stand up comedian (biasa disebut comic) yang pertama kali saya saksikan adalah Raditya Dika. Seseorang yang saya koleksi buku-buku edan-nya itu saya temukan video aksi stand up comedy-nya di YouTube ketika ia sedang perform di Rolling Stone Café. “Gokil” adalah kata pertama yang muncul di hati saya ketika melihat aksinya yang mengocok perut itu.

Stand up comedy menjadi semakin nge-tren ketika Metro TV meluncurkan sebuah program yang mengizinkan para comic untuk beraksi dan ditayangkan di layar kaca. Setelah Raditya Dika, semakin banyak nama-nama comic yang bermunculan pasca peluncuran program stand up comedy di Metro TV tersebut, diantaranya Soleh Solihun, Jui, Mongol, Mudi Taylor, Pandji Pragiwaksono, dll yang juga tidak kalah gokil dengan Raditya Dika. Beberapa bulan kemudian, Kompas TV juga tidak mau kalah dalam memberikan kesempatan kepada comic untuk eksis, yaitu dengan meluncurkan sebuah kontes stand up comedy yang lebih dikenal dengan nama SUCI, dan berhasil menghasilkan nama-nama seperti Ge Pamungkas, Kemal Palevi, Ernest Prakasa, Ryan, Fico, Babe, dsb.

Melihat hal itu, saya merasa tertantang untuk tidak lagi menjadi seorang penikmat stand up comedy belaka, namun saya berminat untuk terjun ke dalam dunia tersebut. Sebelum berpikiran seperti itu, sudah banyak sekali teman-teman yang menyarankan saya untuk ber- stand up comedy­, termasuk Ayah saya pun memberikan saran yang sama. Pada awalnya, saya masih belum yakin, namun seiring berjalannya waktu dan materi-materi yang terkumpul dengan sendirinya, saya memberanikan diri untuk mencobanya.

Open mic! Ya! Itu adalah satu-satunya jalan untuk pemula yang ingin mencoba aksi stand up comedy perdananya. FYI, open mic adalah sebuah kegiatan yang mengizinkan siapa pun untuk ber- stand up comedy yang diadakan oleh hampir setiap komunitas regional stand up comedy di Indonesia. Hanya ada 2 komunitas regional yang bisa dijangkau oleh saya, yaitu komunitas stand up comedy Bekasi, dan komunitas stand up comedy Cibubur. Maka dari itu, saya mulai mem-follow kedua akun tersebut di Twitter.

Proses pengumpulan materi hanya memakan waktu kurang dari seminggu, dan saya sering berlatih di depan cermin secara berkali-berkali, maka saya merasa sangat siap untuk berkicau di atas panggung. Pada hari Kamis, 5 Desember 2013, saya berangkat ke Yummy Café Duren Sawit untuk ber-open mic ria yang diadakan oleh sebuah komunitas stand up comedy regional Bekasi, yang (sebut saja) Stand Up Comedy Bekesong.

Ketika itu saya sedang UAS, maka saya dapat pulang lebih cepat dari biasanya. Jam 5 sudah sampai di rumah. Dengan ditemani oleh Bagus (teori “Dimana ada Bagus, disitu ada Nuris, dan sebaliknya” ternyata benar), kami berangkat menerjang hujan dengan mengendarai seekor sepeda motor milik Bagus, menuju Yummy Café.

Seperti yang di-informasikan melalui akun (sebut saja) @StandUp_Bekesong, open mic akan dimulai pukul 7 malam, dan saya menapakkan kaki di Yummy Café, tepat pukul 7 malam. Namun sayangnya, masih sepi. Kami pun duduk berhadapan di sebuah meja yang terdapat di dalam Yummy Café yang masih sepi itu, layaknya sepasang kekasih gay metal berkaos DeadSquad dan Seringai. (AMIT-AMIT YA ALLAH..) Minuman kami pun tidak kalah unyu. Mungkin bagi sebagian orang yang melihat kami yang berpenampilan seperti itu masuk ke dalam café, mereka akan menyangka kami akan memesan bir sebagai minuman lelaki perkasa. Namun yang kami pesan adalah 2 gelas Ice Milo Dinosaurs. Ya. Semakin terlihat seperti sepasang kekasih gay metal. (NAUDZUBILLAHI MIN DZALIK!!!). Menit demi menit berlalu. Jam demi jam berlalu, dan open mic belum juga dimulai. Stok topik obrolan antara saya dan Bagus pun sudah hampir habis. Kami mengobrol dari mulai soal JKT48 (mostly), band metal, band harcore, UAS, UN, hingga bokep. Saya sudah hampir 12X bolak-balik kamar mandi (tanyakan kepada rumput yang bergoyang) dan ternyata para anggota komunitas @StandUpIndo_Bekesong masih bercakap-cakap di area parkiran, sedangkan waktu sudah menunjukkan pukul 9 malam. Besok masih UAS. Fak.

Syukurnya, ketika saya keluar dari kamar mandi untuk yang ke-13 kalinya, para comic tersebut sudah berada di dalam café dan sang MC memulai acara open mic. “Selamat datang di open mic Stand Up Comedy Bekesong! Bagi yang mau ikutan open mic, silahkan daftar ke mas-mas yang kumisan di sebelah sana.” Kata si MC sambil menunjuk mas-mas kumisan itu. Saya pun menghampirinya.

“Bang, mau ikutan open mic.”

“Oh silahkan. Ini tinggal diisi nama sama username Twitter-nya, mas.” Kata dia sambil memberikan saya secarik kertas.

Saat saya sedang menuliskan nama saya di kertas tersebut, si MC yang belakangan saya ketahui bernama Abi, menghampiri saya.

“Dari mana bro? Baru pertama kesini ya?”

“Dari Cibubur bang. Iya saya baru pertama kesini.”

“Oh kalo open mic di Cibubur udah sering dong ya?”

“Belom bang. Ini perdana saya open mic.”

“Ooooh.. nanti kalo di panggung kalo nge-blank wajar kok. Santai aja.”

Abi sang MC kembali naik ke atas panggung dan kembali berkicau.

“Yak kita mulai saja open mic pada malam hari ini. Comic pertama malam ini jauh-jauh datang dari Cibubur dan malam ini pecah keperawanannya sebagai comic. Beri tepuk tangan untuk Nuris Sungkar!!!”

Saya naik ke atas panggung dan mengambil microphone. Seperti yang saya katakan sebelumnya, saya sudah berkali-kali berlatih di rumah, maka Alhamdulillah tidak ada rasa nervous sama sekali. Para anggota komunitas duduk berjejer tepat di depan panggung layaknya juri Indonesian Idol, dan para penonton biasa duduk agak jauh dari panggung.

“Assalamu’alaikum WR WB.” Kata saya dan penonton menjawab serentak.

“Selamat malam.” Kata saya dan lagi-lagi penonton menjawab serentak.

“Nama gua Nuris Sungkar. Hmm.. Jam berapa sih nih? Gua ngantuk ya.. Padahal nanti malem gua ada janji sunah rosul sama Shania JKT48.” Buka saya dan para penonton awam tertawa ala kadarnya, sedangkan para anggota komunitas diam tanpa kata. Karena jumlah anggota komunitas yang mayoritas, bit perdana saya itu terasa sunyi. Saya melanjutkan.

“Disini ada yang pernah boker di celana gak? Ayo yang pernah angkat tangan.” Dan yang angkat tangan Cuma para penonton awam. Para anggota mafia komunitas hanya terdiam sambil memasang tampang yang sangat bete.

“Jadi gua ini dari TK udah terkenal suka boker di celana. Dan naasnya, di hari pertama gua masuk SD, gua udah boker di celana. Jadi waktu itu, guru gua lagi baca tabloid sambil nungguin murid-murid ngerjain LKS. Karena gua udah terbiasa boker di celana dari TK, gua gak nyadar kalo ternyata gua lagi boker. Guru gua gak sengaja liat.

“Nuris, kamu ee’ di celana ya?”

“Hah? Oh iya, Bu. Hehehe.” Kata gua setelah nyadar kalo tokai gua udah nyampe paha.

“Cebok dong sana! Ntar pada kebauan tuh temen-temennya.”

“Saya belom bisa cebok sendiri, Bu.”

“Haduuh.. yaudah sini ikut ibu ke kamar mandi.”

Ini bukan bokep ya. Gua tau nih muka-muka lo tuh muka-muka RedTube semua. Gua tau lo nyangkanya gua dibawa ke kamar mandi, diiket di bangku, udah gitu guru gua pake baju Catwoman sambil bawa-bawa pecut gitu kan? Nggak. Itu fetish banget. Guru tuh pantes banget disebut pahlawan tanpa tanda jasa karena walaupun dia bukan ibu gua, dia bersedia nyebokin gua. Gua dicebokin men. Tapi lo tau gua dicebokin pake apa? PAKI KAKI MEN!” Saya begitu yakin ketika saya meneriakkan punchline “PAKE KAKI MEN!”, para penonton akan tertawa terbahak-bahak. Namun Tuhan berkata lain. Yang ketawa terbahak-bahak malah jangkrik. Fak. Bit kedua gagal juga. Dan para anggota komunitas tersebut hanya tersenyum sinis dan Abi sang MC menyilangkan kedua tangannya dengan eskpresi meremehkan saya. Emang sih Cuma becanda. Tapi gesturnya tuh seakan berkata, “LO TUH GAK PANTES DISINI! PULANG AJA, NYET!”. Setelah melihat ekspresi para pemilik acara tersebut, lagu Creep-nya Radiohead pun mengudara di dalam hati saya.

“But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here”

Ya sedih memang. Tetapi saya tetap harus melanjutkan penampilan saya dengan bit-bit selanjutnya. Namun karena belum pulih dari reaksi para anggota itu, saya nge-blank.

“Hmm.. Oke gua nge-blank. Sori.” Kata saya dan para anggota tersebut malah memberikan saya tepuk tangan yang amat sangat meriah. Saya cuma bisa melotot heran sambil geleng-geleng palkon kepala. Akhirnya, bit-bit selanjutnya saya tampilkan dengan seadanya dan hasilnya tetap sama. 3 menit kemudian saya turun panggung.

“Ya itulah tadi penampilan dari Nuris Sungkar.” Bagus yang sedari tadi merekam saya dengan kamera digital cuma bisa memasang tampang prihatin sambil menjabat tangan saya. Saya langsung melihat video hasil rekaman Bagus tersebut dan saya seketika berekspresi seperti ini :

Kebayang kan betapa menyedihkannya penampilan stand up comedy saya? Ya. Saya cuma bisa menahan duka dengan pergi ke toilet dan menangis dibawah guyuran keran wastafel. Saya tak kuasa menahan rasa kecewa dan pamit pulang kepada para anggota yang udah pada jago ngelawak dan tidak pernah meremehkan orang lain itu.

Ketika di perjalanan pulang saya hanya bisa menyadari bahwa tidak semua rencana berjalan sesuai dengan keinginan dan pada saat yang sama, saya nge-tweet :

“#np Radiohead – Creep” 

Bagi yang penasaran mau liat betapa garingnya aksi stand up comedy saya, ini videonya :

I'm Gonna Make Him An Offer He Can't Refuse

Ngomongin soal mafia emang seru banget. Saya dibesarkan di sebuah keluarga mafia freak, atau keluarga yang tergila-gila dengan hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan mafia, terutama Ayah saya. Beliau memiliki bertumpuk-tumpuk film mafia, dari mulai The Godfather, Goodfellas, Scarface, Casino, The Untouchables, sampe Mafia Pelangi. Oke kalo yang terakhir itu saya bercanda. Tapi bisakah Anda bayangkan ada sebuah film berjudul Mafia Pelangi? Jadi ceritanya ada segerombol mafia asal Belitong yang memiliki sebuah markas yang tak layak. Atapnya jebol, lantainya gak pake keramik, meja dan kursinya reot, pokoknya persis kandang kambinglah. Dan anggota mereka salah satunya ada yang kalo mau berangkat meeting ke markas harus lewatin buaya darat dulu, ada yang pake sepatu cewek, dan ada juga yang meeting nyékér. Menyedihkan ya?

Mafia selalu identik dengan film The Godfather, sebuah film yang dirilis tahun 1972 dan merupakan sebuah film tersukses sepanjang masa. Film The Godfather ini emang bagus banget. Kalo disuruh sebutin satu judul film yang paling saya suka, ya saya pasti akan sebut The Godfather. Soalnya hampir dari semua segi, film ini emang perfect. Dari segi pemeran, film ini dibintangi oleh 3 aktor canggih, yaitu Al Pacino (yang mirip saya itu), Marlon Brando (saking terkenalnya, nama doi dimasukin ke penggalan lirik lagunya Slipknot yang judulnya Eyeless), dan Robert Duvall. Dari segi tema, waktu itu emang lagi booming-boomingnya film tentang mafia dan The Godfather lah yang waktu itu jadi nomer 1. Dari segi musik juga perfect, soundtrack film ini terkenal banget sampe-sampe kalo di berita-berita yang lagi ngebahas soal mafia hukum, pasti musik latarnya soundtracknya The Godfather. Dan dari segi-segi lainnya, film ini perfect.

Mau The Godfather atau apa pun itu, selama film tersebut masih menceritakan tentang mafia, pasti identik dengan kekerasan. Dari mulai kekerasan fisik (contohnya di The Godfather ada adegan si Lucabrasi tangannya ditusuk piso dapur dan lehernya dicekik pake sejenis tali rapia sampe si Lucabrasi melet-melet sambil merem-melek gitu), sampe kekerasan verbal. Di film The Godfather itu ada semacam quote yang terkenal banget, yaitu : “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

Quote itu muncul ketika si Michael Corleone yang notabene anak dari seorang kepala mafia, cerita ke ceweknya tentang betapa kejamnya keluarganya ketika berurusan dengan orang. Si Michael cerita bahwa bokapnya itu punya seorang anak angkat yang namanya Johnny Fontane yang merupakan seorang vokalis dari sebuah big band. Pada suatu saat, si Johnny resign dari big band tersebut karena dia ingin solo karir, tapi ditahan sama ketua big band tersebut. Pokoknya si ketua big band ini keukeuh kalo si Johnny harus tetap menjadi vokalis big bandnya dia untuk selama-lamanya. Mungkin karena si Johnny kesel, ngadu-lah dia ke bokap angkatnya yang merupakan seorang kepala mafia yang sangat disegani di kota New York. Akhirnya si kepala mafia yang bernama Vito Corleone itu mengutus beberapa orang anak buahnya untuk beresin kasus anak angkatnya. Dan si Vito ini ngomong “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” atau bahasa gaulnya “Gua akan ngasih doi sebuah tawaran yang gak bisa doi tolak.” Tawaran tersebut adalah si ketua big band suruh milih. Jadi si Vito cs ini bawa surat pengunduran dirinya si Johnny, si ketua big band disuruh milih : mau tanda tangannya yang ada di atas surat tersebut, atau otaknya. Dan Vito cs ngomong gitu ke si ketua big band sambil nodongin beceng yang terkokang rapih dan siap jedor kapan pun ke kepala si ketua big band. Akhirnya si ketua big band memilih untuk menandatangani surat tersebut sebagai pernyataan bahwa dia mengizinkan si Johnny untuk resign dari big band tersebut.

Di The Godfather, itu emang cuma diceritain aja, dan gak dikasih liat adegan tawar-menawar tersebut. Tapi yang kayak gini kalo ditonton sama anak dibawah umur bisa merusak anak tersebut secara psikologis. Nah pada suatu Minggu pagi yang cerah, di sebuah perjalanan menuju Metropolitan Mall Bekasi, saya seangkot sama sebiji om-om dan 2 ekor anak kembarnya. Dua sejoli tersebut lagi berebutan mainan.

“Ah kamu! Ini kan mainanku!”

“Bukan! Ini mainanku!”

“Denger ya, ini ada surat hak milik atas mainan kera ingusan ini yang menyatakan bahwa mainan ini sepenuhnya milikku. Dan kamu harus menandatangani surat ini sebagai persetujuan.”

“Iyuh! Ogah! Aku gak mau!”

“Kamu tinggal pilih. Mau tanda tangan kamu yang ada di atas surat ini, atau otakmu?!”

Mendengar kalimat maut tersebut, saya seketika melotot sambil geleng-geleng kepala dan istighfar. Saya pun bertanya kepada si om-om yang merupakan Ayah dari 2 mafia cilik berwajah identik tersebut.

“Om, ini kok anaknya ngomongnya gitu ya? Sering dikasih tonton The Godfather ya?”

“Iya. Kenapa kamu? Gak suka?!”

“Bukannya gitu, om. Itu gak baik buat anak om sendiri. Ini bisa-bisa kebawa sampe gede loh. Coba om bayangin ketika dia udah gede, dia nembak cewek :

“Kamu mau gak jadi pacar aku?”

“Hmm.. maaf ya aku lagi nunggu seseorang.”

“Denger ya, aku punya surat pengakuan bahwa mulai hari ini kamu jadi pacar aku, dan sebagai persetujuan, kamu harus menandatangani ini.”

“Gak mao!”

“Kamu tinggal pilih. Mau tanda tangan kamu yang ada di atas surat ini, atau otakmu?!”

Dan dia ngomong gitu ke cewek tersebut sambil ngasah piso dapur. Amit-amit kan om? Apalagi kalo misalnya dia suatu hari dipecat sama bosnya.

“KAMU SAYA PECAT!!!”

“Denger ya, Nyet! Disini gua punya surat pernyataan bahwa gua bisa kerja di perusahaan lo sampe gua bosen! Dan sebagai persetujuan, lo harus menandatangani surat ini, monkey!!!”

“NO FUCKING WAY!!!”

“Lo tinggal pilih. Mau tanda tangan lo yang ada di atas surat ini, atau otak lo?!”

Dan dia ngomong gitu sambil nodongin AK47 ke kepala bosnya. Amit-amit kan om? Makanya jangan sembarangan ngizinin anak nonton film The Godfather.”

“Denger ya dek, saya barusan bikin surat pernyataan bahwa kamu harus segera turun dari angkot ini sekarang juga. Dan sebagai persetujuan, kamu harus menandatangani  surat ini.”

 “Hah? Maksudnya?”

 “Kamu tinggal pilih. Mau tanda tangan kamu yang ada di atas surat ini, atau BIJI KAMU?!” Kata si om-om berwajah Kapten Haddock tersebut sambil ngasah celurit.

 “BANG, KIRI BANG!!!”

He really made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.